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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Friend Whose Mom Just Died Allowed to Pick Pizza Topping

HYANNIS, NE—Because his mother died of cancer on Jan. 8, Jon Brendemuehl, 11, got to choose the pizza topping during a bowling outing with best friend Greg Weber and his family Monday. "Go ahead, Jon—pick whatever you like," Weber said as the entire table gazed at Brendemuehl in sympathy. "See, you got a higher score than all of us—even my dad, who once bowled a 300 game—and now you get to eat whatever kind of pizza you want. This is fun, hey?" Witnesses report Brendemuehl smiled weakly and ordered pepperoni.

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