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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Friend Whose Mom Just Died Allowed to Pick Pizza Topping

HYANNIS, NE—Because his mother died of cancer on Jan. 8, Jon Brendemuehl, 11, got to choose the pizza topping during a bowling outing with best friend Greg Weber and his family Monday. "Go ahead, Jon—pick whatever you like," Weber said as the entire table gazed at Brendemuehl in sympathy. "See, you got a higher score than all of us—even my dad, who once bowled a 300 game—and now you get to eat whatever kind of pizza you want. This is fun, hey?" Witnesses report Brendemuehl smiled weakly and ordered pepperoni.

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