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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Friends And Family Worry As Athlete May Be Permanently Stuck In Zone

BOSTON—After Bulls guard Derrick Rose led the Bulls past the Hawks averaging almost 30 points in six games, concern rose among friends and family that Rose could potentially be stuck in the zone, forever doomed to hit jump shots, break down defenses, and experience the game at a much slower pace than everyone else on the court. “Dear God, please let him miss his next shot,” Rose’s trembling mother told reporters, adding that by just looking at his determined facial expression, she could see that he was “totally in it.” “His stroke is just too smooth right now. Somebody needs to put an end to this horrible, horrible hot streak. I want my son back.” At press time, the family remained horrified as they overheard their son tell his teammates during a timeout that the basket looks like an ocean to him right now.

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