adBlockCheck

Sports

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Friends And Family Worry As Athlete May Be Permanently Stuck In Zone

BOSTON—After Bulls guard Derrick Rose led the Bulls past the Hawks averaging almost 30 points in six games, concern rose among friends and family that Rose could potentially be stuck in the zone, forever doomed to hit jump shots, break down defenses, and experience the game at a much slower pace than everyone else on the court. “Dear God, please let him miss his next shot,” Rose’s trembling mother told reporters, adding that by just looking at his determined facial expression, she could see that he was “totally in it.” “His stroke is just too smooth right now. Somebody needs to put an end to this horrible, horrible hot streak. I want my son back.” At press time, the family remained horrified as they overheard their son tell his teammates during a timeout that the basket looks like an ocean to him right now.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close