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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Friends Can't Stand Couple's Public Displays Of Hostility

TORONTO—Sources close to local couple Jeremy and Eliza Conyers said that their persistent, blatantly physical, and extremely public displays of hostility are becoming increasingly difficult to tolerate. "Every time I turn around, they've got their hands all over each other, and it just makes me sick to my stomach," friend Jean Potter said. "We're always like, 'Hey, you two, get a room with a staircase and lots of doorknobs and a lamp with a long cord, why don't you?'" Potter added that she feared an instance in which things get so hot and heavy between the Conyerses that someone may have to say something to them.

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