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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Friends Can't Stand Couple's Public Displays Of Hostility

TORONTO—Sources close to local couple Jeremy and Eliza Conyers said that their persistent, blatantly physical, and extremely public displays of hostility are becoming increasingly difficult to tolerate. "Every time I turn around, they've got their hands all over each other, and it just makes me sick to my stomach," friend Jean Potter said. "We're always like, 'Hey, you two, get a room with a staircase and lots of doorknobs and a lamp with a long cord, why don't you?'" Potter added that she feared an instance in which things get so hot and heavy between the Conyerses that someone may have to say something to them.

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