adBlockCheck

Recent News

Report: You Have Won!

Head To TheOnion.com To Redeem Your Winnings

WINNER’S CIRCLE—Sources are reporting that you, valued Onion reader, have won!
End Of Section
  • More News

Friends Can't Stand Couple's Public Displays Of Hostility

TORONTO—Sources close to local couple Jeremy and Eliza Conyers said that their persistent, blatantly physical, and extremely public displays of hostility are becoming increasingly difficult to tolerate. "Every time I turn around, they've got their hands all over each other, and it just makes me sick to my stomach," friend Jean Potter said. "We're always like, 'Hey, you two, get a room with a staircase and lots of doorknobs and a lamp with a long cord, why don't you?'" Potter added that she feared an instance in which things get so hot and heavy between the Conyerses that someone may have to say something to them.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close