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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Friends, Family Say Derrick Rose Hasn’t Said Single Word In Past 17 Days

CHICAGO—Close friends and family confirmed Tuesday that Bulls point guard Derrick Rose has remained completely silent for the past 17 days, failing to utter one word since learning that the torn meniscus in his right knee will cause him to miss a second consecutive season. “Derrick just sits there; he hasn’t even moved,” said a friend who wished to remain anonymous, adding that the three-time All-Star spends most of the day on the couch staring at the ceiling. “Yesterday he inhaled deeply like he was about to say something, but then he just sighed and changed the TV channel he was watching.” Rose’s mother, Brenda, reportedly visited over the weekend and told her pajama-wearing son to remain positive in the face of adversity—an encouragement sources said the 2011 NBA MVP responded to with a shrug.

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