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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Friend's Mom Tearing It Up On Facebook

PORTLAND, ME—Friends of area man Nick Overbeck confirmed today that the 26-year-old’s mother has been absolutely ripping it up on Facebook over the past four hours and shows no signs of slowing down. “Man, look at her go—she’s friending people left and right and just liking the shit out of everything she sees,” said friend Alan Gerard, noting that Nick’s mom had left a “pretty insane” string of comments on other people’s statuses over the previous 90 minutes. “And she’s going absolutely balls to the wall posting family photos and scam alerts. Christ, she’s really going for it, isn’t she?” At press time, sources confirmed that Nick’s mother had learned how to use the chat feature and was carrying on six simultaneous conversations like a goddamn madman.

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