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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Friend's Mom Tearing It Up On Facebook

PORTLAND, ME—Friends of area man Nick Overbeck confirmed today that the 26-year-old’s mother has been absolutely ripping it up on Facebook over the past four hours and shows no signs of slowing down. “Man, look at her go—she’s friending people left and right and just liking the shit out of everything she sees,” said friend Alan Gerard, noting that Nick’s mom had left a “pretty insane” string of comments on other people’s statuses over the previous 90 minutes. “And she’s going absolutely balls to the wall posting family photos and scam alerts. Christ, she’s really going for it, isn’t she?” At press time, sources confirmed that Nick’s mother had learned how to use the chat feature and was carrying on six simultaneous conversations like a goddamn madman.

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