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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Friend's Mom Tearing It Up On Facebook

PORTLAND, ME—Friends of area man Nick Overbeck confirmed today that the 26-year-old’s mother has been absolutely ripping it up on Facebook over the past four hours and shows no signs of slowing down. “Man, look at her go—she’s friending people left and right and just liking the shit out of everything she sees,” said friend Alan Gerard, noting that Nick’s mom had left a “pretty insane” string of comments on other people’s statuses over the previous 90 minutes. “And she’s going absolutely balls to the wall posting family photos and scam alerts. Christ, she’s really going for it, isn’t she?” At press time, sources confirmed that Nick’s mother had learned how to use the chat feature and was carrying on six simultaneous conversations like a goddamn madman.

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