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Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Friends Star Spontaneously Shown Attending Televised NBC Sporting Event

NEW YORK—The NBC telecast of a Knicks-Pacers game yielded a surprise celebrity sighting Saturday, when Friends star Matt LeBlanc was spotted in a front-row seat by a TV cameraman. "Say, there's Matt LeBlanc, star of the hit comedy Friends, airing Thursdays at 8 p.m. EST right here on NBC," color commentator Bill Walton said of the unexpected star sighting. "Matt seems to be enjoying this exciting contest as much as we all enjoy watching Friends each week." Walton went on to note that this Thursday, Ross mistakenly thinks Chandler got a vasectomy.

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