Friends Star Spontaneously Shown Attending Televised NBC Sporting Event

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Vol 35 Issue 11

Miracle Overpass Issues Mysterious Stream Of Urine

ABILENE, TX—Throngs of religious faithful from across the U.S. are making pilgrimages to Abilene following Monday's discovery of a miracle highway overpass that periodically emits a stream of urine. "I was just driving under the overpass, when, all of a sudden, a golden stream of liquid fell upon my windshield from above," said motorist Gail Silva. "I knew then and there that my life had deeper meaning." The stretch of highway has since been closed for several miles in both directions to accommodate the thousands of spiritual seekers who have journeyed to the overpass in hopes of being anointed with what many believe to be the micturition of Christ.

National Pork Council: Many Americans Suffer From Pork Deficiency

DES MOINES, IA—An alarming study released Tuesday by the National Pork Producers Council reports that fewer than 5 percent of Americans get the NPPC recommended daily allowance of pork. "An overwhelming majority of Americans aren't getting the dietary pork they need for healthy muscles and proper digestion," read the NPPC study. "What's worse, many growing children who could be helped by as little as two strips of bacon a day are getting no pork at all." The NPPC recommends that adults eat at least nine servings of pork per day from the bacon, ham, chop and rind groups.

The Burger-King Grants Asylum

Last week, lost and hungry in the desolate bad-lands of our Republic, Standish and I chanced upon the embassy of the esteemed and powerful Burger-King. Once in-side, I prostrated myself before one of the senior diplomats, who donned a badge etched with the words "Dale—Crew Manager."

A Nation Of Prisoners

According to a recent Justice Department report, the number of jailed Americans more than doubled over the past 12 years, and the U.S. could soon pass Russia as the nation with the highest rate of imprisonment. What do you think about America's soaring prison population?

I've Got The Fever For The Flavor Of The Oscars!

Here's a riddle for you: What has more stars than the sky itself? The Oscars, and I for one was positively blinded by what I saw on Sunday! The lights! The glamour! The dresses! Oh, it was a night to remember! Everyone was dressed to the nines. Even Hollywood's most notorious tough guy, Jack Nicholson, looked positively dapper in his tuxedo. (And I bet it wasn't a rental!) Someday, I hope to be there in person so I can take in all the glory first-hand. But in the meantime, I'm happy to sit at home with a bowl of Jolly Time buttered popcorn and watch the proceeds unfold... live!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Friends Star Spontaneously Shown Attending Televised NBC Sporting Event

NEW YORK—The NBC telecast of a Knicks-Pacers game yielded a surprise celebrity sighting Saturday, when Friends star Matt LeBlanc was spotted in a front-row seat by a TV cameraman. "Say, there's Matt LeBlanc, star of the hit comedy Friends, airing Thursdays at 8 p.m. EST right here on NBC," color commentator Bill Walton said of the unexpected star sighting. "Matt seems to be enjoying this exciting contest as much as we all enjoy watching Friends each week." Walton went on to note that this Thursday, Ross mistakenly thinks Chandler got a vasectomy.

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