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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Friend’s Threats To Come Visit Becoming Disturbingly More Genuine

SEATTLE—Unsettled by the increasingly earnest tone of his friend’s words, local man Ryan Lauden, 29, told reporters Monday that his former college roommate Chris Marcotte’s repeated threats to visit him have recently grown uncomfortably genuine. “I didn’t take him seriously when he first suggested coming out here and crashing at my place, but now he’s mentioning specific dates and I’m really concerned he might actually follow through,” said Lauden, who described his mounting alarm at Marcotte’s frequent texts and Facebook messages warning that he might visit for several days in July and demanding that Lauden “keep a couch open” for him. “This is horrifying. Now he wants to know what time I usually get off work on Thursdays. God, I think he might be trying to make it a four-day weekend.” At press time, Lauden was reportedly left paralyzed with fear after seeing an email from Marcotte with the subject heading, “Fwd: E-Ticket Confirmation.”

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