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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Friend’s Threats To Come Visit Becoming Disturbingly More Genuine

SEATTLE—Unsettled by the increasingly earnest tone of his friend’s words, local man Ryan Lauden, 29, told reporters Monday that his former college roommate Chris Marcotte’s repeated threats to visit him have recently grown uncomfortably genuine. “I didn’t take him seriously when he first suggested coming out here and crashing at my place, but now he’s mentioning specific dates and I’m really concerned he might actually follow through,” said Lauden, who described his mounting alarm at Marcotte’s frequent texts and Facebook messages warning that he might visit for several days in July and demanding that Lauden “keep a couch open” for him. “This is horrifying. Now he wants to know what time I usually get off work on Thursdays. God, I think he might be trying to make it a four-day weekend.” At press time, Lauden was reportedly left paralyzed with fear after seeing an email from Marcotte with the subject heading, “Fwd: E-Ticket Confirmation.”

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