Friendship Moving Way Too Fast

In This Section

Vol 39 Issue 05

Statistically Eliminated - Ep. 6

After being statistically eliminated from the playoffs, Brad is ready to give up fantasy football forever until Matt Forte reminds him that it's not too late to ruin the fantasy season for all the other owners.

Waiver Wire - Ep. 5

Brad has to make a tough decision between starting Larry Fitzgerald and Alfred Morris. Jack’s Team drops Andrew Luck to the waiver wire.

Overconfidence - Ep. 4

Going up against the weakest team in the league, Brad tells Matt Forte, Larry Fitzgerald, and Alfred Morris not to work too hard.

High-School Teacher Constantly Using Janitor As Example

GRAND FORKS, ND—Arnold Danielson, a chemistry teacher at Warren G. Harding High School, has for the past eight years used custodian Howard Sievert as a living warning to underachieving or misbehaving students. "When my grades started to slip, Mr. Danielson took me aside and said, 'Well, you can buckle down and study harder... or you can end up like old Howie,'" sophomore Dave Netzel said. "Boy, I got the hint big-time." Netzel said Danielson is also fond of asking tardy students to name their favorite car and then informing them that such a car is unaffordable on a janitor's salary.

Laffy Taffy Writer Disdains Bazooka

ITASCA, IL—Bruce Palmer, a writer and editor for Nestle's "Laffy Taffy" line of joke-bearing fruit-flavored chews, holds Topps Bazooka gum and its line of complimentary comic art in sneering contempt, he revealed Monday. "Don't get me wrong: In the Golden Age of the 1970s and 1980s, Bazooka Joe was amazing—a big influence on me," the 43-year-old Palmer said. "But when Topps went all corporate, and the P.C. suits made them dump [sombrero-clad mischief-maker] Pesty, it all went downhill." Palmer went on to dismiss Bazooka as "a stain on the proud literary genre of candy-wrapper humor."

Laid-Off Zoologist Goes On Tranquilizing Rampage

SAN DIEGO—Twelve San Diego Zoo visitors and two employees were brutally sedated Monday, when laid-off zoologist Dr. Brian Vermeer, 41, returned to his former place of work armed with a tranquilizer gun and began firing into a crowd. "It was kind of horrible," said Maria Christopher, 44, who witnessed the tranquilizing spree. "People were gently falling asleep over the course of 20 to 30 seconds everywhere." The spree ended when Vermeer turned his gun on himself, knocking himself out for half an hour.

U.S. Council Of Coolness Releases Formal Statement On Prince

WASHINGTON, DC—On Monday, the U.S. Council of Coolness released its long-awaited ruling on Prince, declaring the recording artist "provisionally cool" by a 13-11 margin. "This was a more difficult decision than it should have been," the 240-page report read. "In the end, however, albums like 1999 and Sign O' The Times are sufficiently brilliant to offset such padded late-period dorkfests as Rave Un2 The Joy Fantastic and The Rainbow Children." The Council of Coolness warned that the decision could be reversed if Prince records one more rap in which he declares himself "super-fonky" or "2 jammin' 4 U."

Saddam Enrages Bush With Full Compliance

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush expressed frustration and anger Monday over a U.N. report stating that Iraqi president Saddam Hussein is now fully complying with weapons inspections. "Enough is enough," a determined Bush told reporters. "We are not fooled by Saddam's devious attempts to sway world opinion by doing everything the U.N. asked him to do. We will not be intimidated into backing down and, if we have any say in the matter, neither will Saddam." Bush added that any further Iraqi attempt to meet the demands of the U.N. or U.S. will be regarded as "an act of war."

You Will Know Love

Erase all doubt from your mind, for tonight, you will know love. Let me tell you how I am going to lay it down.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Partying

Originality

Friendship Moving Way Too Fast

GLENDALE, CA—Expressing a desire to "slow things down and keep it casual," Troy Lanier, 28, said Monday that his friendship with Scott Perotta, 27, is moving way too fast.

Perotta (left) with Lanier, who wants to "keep things casual."

"[Scott]'s a nice enough guy, but I've only known him for, like, five weeks, and he already acts like we're best friends," said Lanier, a Glendale-area insurance adjuster. "I wish I had stronger feelings for him, but I don't. I just don't know where I want this friendship to go, and I need the space to figure it all out."

Seen as a potentially good match based on their shared love of martial-arts films, Lanier and Perotta were introduced by a mutual friend in early January.

"The first night we hung out, we went to see Five Fingers Of Death at the revival theater," Lanier said. "It was nice, but things started accelerating much too quickly from there. He's always inviting me out to do stuff, and he calls me every time there's a Jackie Chan movie on TV. Within a few weeks of meeting Scott, I was talking to him more than Rob [Poehler], who's been my best friend since high school."

Lanier said he has been reluctant to give Perotta his e-mail address, fearing it will only accelerate the friendship.

"I just know he'd be e-mailing me every day," Lanier said. "He's always talking about these funny things he sees on the Internet. I've been thinking about setting up a special Yahoo! account and giving him that address with the caveat that I only check it once in a while, but that seems like an awful lot of effort to deal with someone I barely know."

According to Lanier, Perotta has also attempted to strengthen their bond through the disclosure of highly personal information.

"I know more about Scott than I do about people I've known for years," Lanier said. "He told me about how his mother was an alcoholic and how his uncle committed suicide in his garage. I try to steer the conversation back to neutral subjects, but try bringing up Sammo Hung movies after someone tells you his ex-girlfriend was sexually molested when she was 12."

Lanier has also taken exception to Perotta's habit of referring to him by nicknames.

"He's always calling me things like 'Laney' or 'Troy-Boy,'" Lanier said. "My old high-school friends and I have nicknames for each other, but that's different. Until we've known each other a while, I'd prefer to be called Troy—or, at worst, Lanier."

The final straw, Lanier said, came this past Sunday, when he received an unexpected gift from Perotta.

"He stopped by my house to borrow a CD, and my heart just dropped when he handed me a present," Lanier said. "It was a poster for They Call Me Bruce. I like the movie okay, but there's no way I'm putting it on my wall. That's the last thing I need, for Scott to come over and see some token of our everlasting friendship hanging over my bed."

Lanier said the situation might have been different had he met Perotta when he was in college.

"I was more open to meeting new people back then," Lanier said. "You live in the dorms, you meet people in classes, you go to parties, and so on. But I have so much more going on in my life now. Before I get too deep into a new friendship, I've got to make sure it's going to be worth the trouble to maintain."

Dr. Karen Franks, a Cornell University sociologist, said Lanier's predicament is not unusual.

"People make friends at different speeds," Franks said. "The key is to be honest and firm with people who try to take things too fast. Troy and Scott may end up being best friends someday, but until then, they should proceed at a rate comfortable for them both. If they don't, things will burn out, leaving one of them spending months awkwardly trying to get back his Jet Li DVDs."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More