We here at The Onion are fully aware that our own reporters, like all members of the power-mad, out-of-control media, frequently overstep these sacred boundaries by scrutinizing the decisions and actions that those in mighty seats of authority, such as Mr. Gianforte, do not wish to discuss.
CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Thirty-nine-year-old Dwayne Keener, whose marriage and job both recently ended, told reporters Monday that the Frito-Lay family of products—a wide array of fun and delicious snack foods for all ages—has proved "invaluable" in giving him the support and companionship he needs during this trying period in his life. "I don't know where I'd be without Ruffles, Baken-Ets, or Munchos-brand Potato Crisps to rely on for support," Keener said during a press conference from his living room sofa, through tears and mouthfuls of Tostitos Restaurant Style with a Hint of Lime Tortilla Chips. "When my back's against the wall and I feel there's no one to turn to, it's good to know that that crinkly plastic bag is always open." A spokesman for Frito-Lay suggested that the next time he needs a comforting presence, Keener should try new Cheetos Asteroids-brand 100 Calorie Mini Bites.