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Politics

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Frocked Podium Boys Shine In Pre-State-Of-The-Union Rituals

WASHINGTON—Clad in their ceremonial red, white, and blue vestments, the six podium boys of the U.S. Congress impressively performed the age-old ritual of helping the president prepare for his State of the Union address, Capitol Hill sources confirmed Tuesday evening. "It's a big responsibility for any youngster, but these whip-smart kids didn't miss a beat," said House Sergeant at Arms Paul D. Irving, describing how the podium servers helped the president into his traditional bespoke-tailored suit and pinned the mandatory America flag pin onto his lapel. "I'm completely confident these boys will perform just as ably as they assist Mr. Obama during his grand procession into the chamber, kneel to present photocopies of the speech to the vice president and House speaker, and manually scroll through each page of the address on the teleprompter. I have to confess, this all takes me back—I was a podium boy for Harry S. Truman, you know." Despite a pat on the head and the offer of a nickel, the podium boys, bound by sacred oaths, would not disclose to reporters whether the president would be wearing a red or a blue tie.

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