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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Frocked Podium Boys Shine In Pre-State-Of-The-Union Rituals

WASHINGTON—Clad in their ceremonial red, white, and blue vestments, the six podium boys of the U.S. Congress impressively performed the age-old ritual of helping the president prepare for his State of the Union address, Capitol Hill sources confirmed Tuesday evening. "It's a big responsibility for any youngster, but these whip-smart kids didn't miss a beat," said House Sergeant at Arms Paul D. Irving, describing how the podium servers helped the president into his traditional bespoke-tailored suit and pinned the mandatory America flag pin onto his lapel. "I'm completely confident these boys will perform just as ably as they assist Mr. Obama during his grand procession into the chamber, kneel to present photocopies of the speech to the vice president and House speaker, and manually scroll through each page of the address on the teleprompter. I have to confess, this all takes me back—I was a podium boy for Harry S. Truman, you know." Despite a pat on the head and the offer of a nickel, the podium boys, bound by sacred oaths, would not disclose to reporters whether the president would be wearing a red or a blue tie.

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