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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Frocked Podium Boys Shine In Pre-State-Of-The-Union Rituals

WASHINGTON—Clad in their ceremonial red, white, and blue vestments, the six podium boys of the U.S. Congress impressively performed the age-old ritual of helping the president prepare for his State of the Union address, Capitol Hill sources confirmed Tuesday evening. "It's a big responsibility for any youngster, but these whip-smart kids didn't miss a beat," said House Sergeant at Arms Paul D. Irving, describing how the podium servers helped the president into his traditional bespoke-tailored suit and pinned the mandatory America flag pin onto his lapel. "I'm completely confident these boys will perform just as ably as they assist Mr. Obama during his grand procession into the chamber, kneel to present photocopies of the speech to the vice president and House speaker, and manually scroll through each page of the address on the teleprompter. I have to confess, this all takes me back—I was a podium boy for Harry S. Truman, you know." Despite a pat on the head and the offer of a nickel, the podium boys, bound by sacred oaths, would not disclose to reporters whether the president would be wearing a red or a blue tie.

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