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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Frocked Podium Boys Shine In Pre-State-Of-The-Union Rituals

WASHINGTON—Clad in their ceremonial red, white, and blue vestments, the six podium boys of the U.S. Congress impressively performed the age-old ritual of helping the president prepare for his State of the Union address, Capitol Hill sources confirmed Tuesday evening. "It's a big responsibility for any youngster, but these whip-smart kids didn't miss a beat," said House Sergeant at Arms Paul D. Irving, describing how the podium servers helped the president into his traditional bespoke-tailored suit and pinned the mandatory America flag pin onto his lapel. "I'm completely confident these boys will perform just as ably as they assist Mr. Obama during his grand procession into the chamber, kneel to present photocopies of the speech to the vice president and House speaker, and manually scroll through each page of the address on the teleprompter. I have to confess, this all takes me back—I was a podium boy for Harry S. Truman, you know." Despite a pat on the head and the offer of a nickel, the podium boys, bound by sacred oaths, would not disclose to reporters whether the president would be wearing a red or a blue tie.

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