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Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
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Frozen Tundra Of Emptiness Stretching Out Forever And Ever Weighed Against Date With Mike4763

PORTLAND, OR—While perusing the potential partners she was assigned by the dating website’s algorithm Thursday, Match.com member Christine Arlington reportedly weighed the bleak, barren tundra of isolation extending endlessly before her against going on a date with Mike4763. “I can’t say our taste in movies or books matches up that well, but it looks like he has an okay job and he says he likes traveling,” said Arlington as she cycled through the man’s four profile pictures, considering the prospect of meeting the self-described “laid-back guy” for dinner against the awaiting infinitude of cold emptiness from which there could be no escape. “He likes the outdoors, too. He seems nice.” At press time, Arlington was pausing to rethink whether she should click on the site’s “Wink” feature or eventually be interred unloved and unmourned in the frozen, gray earth.

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