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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Frozen Tundra Of Emptiness Stretching Out Forever And Ever Weighed Against Date With Mike4763

PORTLAND, OR—While perusing the potential partners she was assigned by the dating website’s algorithm Thursday, Match.com member Christine Arlington reportedly weighed the bleak, barren tundra of isolation extending endlessly before her against going on a date with Mike4763. “I can’t say our taste in movies or books matches up that well, but it looks like he has an okay job and he says he likes traveling,” said Arlington as she cycled through the man’s four profile pictures, considering the prospect of meeting the self-described “laid-back guy” for dinner against the awaiting infinitude of cold emptiness from which there could be no escape. “He likes the outdoors, too. He seems nice.” At press time, Arlington was pausing to rethink whether she should click on the site’s “Wink” feature or eventually be interred unloved and unmourned in the frozen, gray earth.

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