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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Frugal Couple Saves Money By Making Own Porn

KIRKSVILLE, MO—Saying they’re trying to tighten their belts where they can and cut back on costly erotica expenses, local couple Christopher and Ellen Landstrom told reporters Friday they have been able to save money by making their own porn at home. “When we sat down and did the math on our annual subscription to VividVideo.com and regular trips to Tom’s Adult Emporium, we realized just how much we could save if we shot our own hardcore scenes ourselves,” said Christopher Landstrom, who estimates the couple has been able to trim costs by at least $80 a month by filming vaginal intercourse, cunnilingus, and facial ejaculations in their living room. “Some of our friends thought we were being way too thrifty, but it hasn’t even felt like that big of a sacrifice. When I think of all the money we’re saving by staying in on weekends and fisting each other in front of the camcorder, it just makes sense.” The couple admitted they have been able to reduce their household budget even further by sewing their own cheerleader costumes and inviting Ellen’s twin sister Lisa to join them every once in a while.

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