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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Frugal Couple Saves Money By Making Own Porn

KIRKSVILLE, MO—Saying they’re trying to tighten their belts where they can and cut back on costly erotica expenses, local couple Christopher and Ellen Landstrom told reporters Friday they have been able to save money by making their own porn at home. “When we sat down and did the math on our annual subscription to VividVideo.com and regular trips to Tom’s Adult Emporium, we realized just how much we could save if we shot our own hardcore scenes ourselves,” said Christopher Landstrom, who estimates the couple has been able to trim costs by at least $80 a month by filming vaginal intercourse, cunnilingus, and facial ejaculations in their living room. “Some of our friends thought we were being way too thrifty, but it hasn’t even felt like that big of a sacrifice. When I think of all the money we’re saving by staying in on weekends and fisting each other in front of the camcorder, it just makes sense.” The couple admitted they have been able to reduce their household budget even further by sewing their own cheerleader costumes and inviting Ellen’s twin sister Lisa to join them every once in a while.

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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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