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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Frustrated Bob Ley Tasked With Explaining Concept Of Europe To ESPN Viewers

BRISTOL, CT—Assigned to provide commentary over SportsCenter's Euro 2012 highlights Tuesday night, ESPN anchor Bob Ley was forced to explain first the existence of Europe to the show's audience, a daunting task that clearly frustrated him. "You know how we say the U.S. is a country? Well, Europe is many countries put together, and people live in them just like people live here," said Ley, rushing through his script as England and Ukraine played on screen, and failing to make it through even a brief overview of the continent's history or why it was relevant, much less who Wayne Rooney is or why it was good that the ball bounced off his head at the end of the field. "Over by where the Red Sox play is some water called the Atlantic Ocean, and on the other side of the water is Europe… Okay, let's just leave it at that. I've probably lost most of you by now." Ley then went on to highlights of the Sweden-France match, simplifying things by just calling the two foreign nations the "Blue Jays" and the "Expos."

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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