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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Frustrated Employee No Longer Even Trying To Hide GRE Study Books

AUSTIN, TX—No longer motivated to keep up the pretense of being a dedicated employee, TechStream systems analyst Chad Reasor told reporters Wednesday that he had abandoned all efforts to conceal the books and other study materials he was using to prepare for his upcoming graduate school entrance exam. “I used to have some spreadsheets open on my computer while keeping the study guide hidden on my lap, but I honestly couldn’t care less at this point,” said Reasor, adding that he no longer had qualms about leaving his copy of Essential Words For The GRE on his desk and didn’t care in the slightest if someone witnessed him openly poring over vocabulary flashcards in the break room. “I don’t think anyone’s really going to look at my screen and notice I’ve got tabs for five different grad schools open in my browser, but even if they do, who gives a shit? I’ve got nothing to hide at this point.” At press time, Reasor was solving a series of coordinate geometry practice questions in the middle of the morning staff meeting.

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