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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Frustrated Employee No Longer Even Trying To Hide GRE Study Books

AUSTIN, TX—No longer motivated to keep up the pretense of being a dedicated employee, TechStream systems analyst Chad Reasor told reporters Wednesday that he had abandoned all efforts to conceal the books and other study materials he was using to prepare for his upcoming graduate school entrance exam. “I used to have some spreadsheets open on my computer while keeping the study guide hidden on my lap, but I honestly couldn’t care less at this point,” said Reasor, adding that he no longer had qualms about leaving his copy of Essential Words For The GRE on his desk and didn’t care in the slightest if someone witnessed him openly poring over vocabulary flashcards in the break room. “I don’t think anyone’s really going to look at my screen and notice I’ve got tabs for five different grad schools open in my browser, but even if they do, who gives a shit? I’ve got nothing to hide at this point.” At press time, Reasor was solving a series of coordinate geometry practice questions in the middle of the morning staff meeting.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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