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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Frustrated Employee No Longer Even Trying To Hide GRE Study Books

AUSTIN, TX—No longer motivated to keep up the pretense of being a dedicated employee, TechStream systems analyst Chad Reasor told reporters Wednesday that he had abandoned all efforts to conceal the books and other study materials he was using to prepare for his upcoming graduate school entrance exam. “I used to have some spreadsheets open on my computer while keeping the study guide hidden on my lap, but I honestly couldn’t care less at this point,” said Reasor, adding that he no longer had qualms about leaving his copy of Essential Words For The GRE on his desk and didn’t care in the slightest if someone witnessed him openly poring over vocabulary flashcards in the break room. “I don’t think anyone’s really going to look at my screen and notice I’ve got tabs for five different grad schools open in my browser, but even if they do, who gives a shit? I’ve got nothing to hide at this point.” At press time, Reasor was solving a series of coordinate geometry practice questions in the middle of the morning staff meeting.

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