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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Frustrated Gunman Can’t Believe How Far He Has To Drive To Find Nearest Planned Parenthood Clinic

AMARILLO, TX—Expressing frustration with the lack of convenient locations in his area, deranged gunman and anti-abortion fanatic Jared Broussard reported Monday that he could not believe how far he would have to drive to find the nearest Planned Parenthood clinic. “You have to be kidding me; I figured I’d need to go 10, maybe 15 miles, tops, but the closest one is almost 250 miles away,” said a visibly exasperated Broussard, adding that he would have to scrap his plans for the entire day and leave right now if he wanted to reach the health care provider before it closed this evening. “God, the nearest one isn’t even in this state. It’s actually faster for me to drive across the border to Santa Fe, and even then it’s still a four-hour trip. That barely leaves me enough time to buy ammo.” Broussard added that, given the length of the drive, he was thankful that he would likely not have to make a round trip.

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