Frustrated Iranian Scientist Forced To Shut Down Project He Spent 12 Goddamn Years Of His Life On

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Vol 49 Issue 48

Infertile Aunt Doing It Up Big At Kids Table

CHICOPEE, MA—Eliciting repeated waves of laughter and making sure to include everyone in her lively conversations, local aunt Gina Coleman, a childless and infertile woman, is really hamming it up at the kids table this Thanksgiving, sources have co...

Nation Celebrates Thanksgiving

All across the country, Americans are gathering with their loved ones to celebrate Thanksgiving. What are you thankful for this year?

Comet Could Light Up Sky In Northern Hemisphere

The comet ISON will fly close to the sun on Thursday, and if it manages to survive without being ripped apart, astronomers say the celestial body could produce a brilliant spectacle in the Northern Hemisphere that’s visible to the naked eye througho...

School Teacher Not About To Risk Her Life For Derek

CLARKSVILLE, TN—Saying she felt no responsibility whatsoever to protect the 14-year-old student if it meant dying for the kid, local East Parkview High School history teacher Angela Wells told reporters today that in the event of a school shooting, ...

The Onion’s Tips For Traveling Over The Holidays

You never know when you’ll get stranded at an airport or train station, so make sure you don’t go hungry by packing two large burlap sacks full of steak meat and apples. Exchange knowing glances with the TSA agent. You’re one of the goo...

Total Nerd Actually Owns His Own Computer

PROVIDENCE, RI—Matthew Jorgensen, a complete and total nerd who sources speculate likely has no tangible social life, actually both owns and regularly uses his own personal computer, reports from those with knowledge of Jorgensen’s geeky hobby...
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Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Frustrated Iranian Scientist Forced To Shut Down Project He Spent 12 Goddamn Years Of His Life On

NATANZ, IRAN—Standing in the dim subterranean facility in which he had spent the better part of his peak work years, deeply frustrated Iranian scientist Ali Khatami told reporters today that the recent Iran-U.S. nuclear accords have forced him to shutter the project he has wasted 12 years of his life—12 goddamned years—developing. “Perfect! Let’s just flush a decade of my life down the drain, then, shall we?” Khatami said as he angrily typed a code into a nearby computer to power down over 8,000 P-2 centrifuges he reportedly squandered countless nights diligently overseeing. “Do those assholes even know how hard it is to enrich uranium? How much I sacrificed? I never married, I’m prematurely gray, and now guess what? The prime of my life is gone forever. Unbelievable. This country’s going to fucking hell, man.” The nuclear physicist then paused, sighed, and wondered if he might realistically find work in Yemen.

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