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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Frustrated NSA Now Forced To Rely On Mass Surveillance Programs That Haven’t Come To Light Yet

FORT MEADE, MD—Expressing frustration over Congress’ decision to let the provisions allowing the bulk collection of phone data expire, annoyed National Security Agency officials reported Monday that the organization would now be forced to rely exclusively on mass surveillance programs that have yet to come to light. “Unfortunately, lawmakers chose to limit our intelligence-gathering capabilities by discontinuing key sections of the Patriot Act, and now we have no choice but to depend on a number of other civilian-monitoring initiatives that continue to remain hidden from the public,” said NSA director Michael Rogers, adding that, although the agency still has a wide variety of covert hacking, wiretapping, and GPS-tracking programs at its disposal that have not yet been exposed by whistleblowers or investigative journalists, the end of its ability to record the phone data of millions of Americans still represents “a fairly sizable inconvenience” for the organization. “Obviously, we will continue to carry out our duty of protecting the United States, but without the powers granted to us under Section 215 of the Patriot Act, I guess we’ll just have to make do with our Dark Sky systems, the Linguos Protocol, and Project OPTIC, among several dozen others.” Rogers noted that while the NSA was disappointed to see the old metadata collection program lapse, ultimately the capabilities of its newer surveillance projects make the old one look miniscule in comparison.


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