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Frustrated Rick Santorum Still Waiting For Go-Ahead From God To Suspend Presidential Campaign

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Election 2016

Financially Struggling Trump Campaign Holds Fundraising Riot

NEWARK, NJ—Having raised only $3.1 million last month despite clinching the Republican nomination and with just $1.3 million on hand, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign sought a much-needed injection of cash Wednesday by holding a fundraising riot in Newark, sources confirmed.

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Campaign Announces Clinton Has Entered Incubation Period After Securing Nomination

Candidate Transitioning Into Mature Presidential Form Inside Cocoon, Aides Say

NEW YORK—Immediately after she clinched the 2,383 delegates needed to secure the Democratic presidential nomination Monday night, campaign aides announced that Hillary Clinton had retreated to a dark corner of her Brooklyn headquarters and entered the beginning of a 16-week incubation period.

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Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.
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Frustrated Rick Santorum Still Waiting For Go-Ahead From God To Suspend Presidential Campaign

CHARLESTON, SC—Expressing frustration that he had yet to receive any divine counsel on the matter, former Senator Rick Santorum told reporters Friday that he was still waiting for the go-ahead from God to suspend his presidential campaign. “My relationship with God drives every decision in my life, so here I am, still going through the motions eight months into this presidential run, looking for any green light from Him that I can end this thing,” said Santorum, explaining that he truly believed with all his heart that the Lord Almighty would have provided His blessing to pack it in once his national polling numbers dipped below 1 percent. “Seriously, this has gone on long enough. I really should have received His word, or at least some divine sign by now. I’ll just give God until the South Carolina primary and then I’m going to have to do some serious reevaluating.” At press time, God confirmed that He figured Santorum had already dropped out of the presidential race several months ago.

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