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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Frustrated Rick Santorum Still Waiting For Go-Ahead From God To Suspend Presidential Campaign

CHARLESTON, SC—Expressing frustration that he had yet to receive any divine counsel on the matter, former Senator Rick Santorum told reporters Friday that he was still waiting for the go-ahead from God to suspend his presidential campaign. “My relationship with God drives every decision in my life, so here I am, still going through the motions eight months into this presidential run, looking for any green light from Him that I can end this thing,” said Santorum, explaining that he truly believed with all his heart that the Lord Almighty would have provided His blessing to pack it in once his national polling numbers dipped below 1 percent. “Seriously, this has gone on long enough. I really should have received His word, or at least some divine sign by now. I’ll just give God until the South Carolina primary and then I’m going to have to do some serious reevaluating.” At press time, God confirmed that He figured Santorum had already dropped out of the presidential race several months ago.

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