adBlockCheck

Politics

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
End Of Section
  • More News

Onion Politics

More Political Coverage

Frustrated Rick Santorum Still Waiting For Go-Ahead From God To Suspend Presidential Campaign

CHARLESTON, SC—Expressing frustration that he had yet to receive any divine counsel on the matter, former Senator Rick Santorum told reporters Friday that he was still waiting for the go-ahead from God to suspend his presidential campaign. “My relationship with God drives every decision in my life, so here I am, still going through the motions eight months into this presidential run, looking for any green light from Him that I can end this thing,” said Santorum, explaining that he truly believed with all his heart that the Lord Almighty would have provided His blessing to pack it in once his national polling numbers dipped below 1 percent. “Seriously, this has gone on long enough. I really should have received His word, or at least some divine sign by now. I’ll just give God until the South Carolina primary and then I’m going to have to do some serious reevaluating.” At press time, God confirmed that He figured Santorum had already dropped out of the presidential race several months ago.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close