adBlockCheck

Sports

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Frustrated Roger Goodell Trying To Find Live Stream Of Bears, Packers Game

NEW YORK—NFL commissioner Roger Goodell was reportedly growing increasingly annoyed Thursday while frantically searching the Internet for a live stream of the Bears, Packers game, expressing frustration that his cable provider didn’t carry the “bullshit NFL Network.”

“This sucks,” said Goodell, who sources confirmed angrily slammed his fist on the table when dozens of pop-up windows opened on his laptop’s screen after clicking a link for the game on the website Livenflstreaming.com. “Ugh, I’m missing the goddamn kickoff. Why can’t a huge division game like this just be on NBC or ESPN?”

“I guess the NFL.com Game Center page is fine for checking out the stats and stuff,” added Goodell. “But I want to watch the game not spend three and a half hours following the drives on that shitty little football field graphic. Plus the commentators on NFL.com are a bunch of clueless dicks”

Claiming that it was impossible to find a decent live stream of the Bears, Packers game, Goodell complained numerous websites that promised to illegally broadcast NFL contests had “sketchy” requests for credit card information.

The exasperated NFL commissioner, who told reporters that he was encouraged after downloading and installing an allegedly missing plug-in for the video player on Chanfeed.com, became incensed when the live stream failed to work and instead displayed a message about content being removed for copyright infringement.

“Christ, I just want to see Jay Cutler get knocked on his ass by Clay Matthews,” Goodell said. “The NFL finds so many ways to dick over loyal football fans. Honestly, I’d be happy to go to the NFL website and pay like 10 bucks to watch this game live. They’d make a shit ton of money and it’s still would be way cheaper then going to a bar.”

“Are they worried about ad revenue or something?” Goodell added. “They could show commercials. I don’t give a flying fuck.”

Goodell told reporters that the NFL would probably never implement a brilliant sales model that allowed fans to purchase individual games for viewing, because DirecTV had a “fucking monopoly” with their “total rip-off” NFL Sunday Ticket.

“It pretty much blows for fans who live outside the broadcast area of their favorite teams,” Goodell said. “Until they fix this mess, the NFL is just forcing people to watch illegal live streams.”

“I should just get my buddies to chip in for the NFL Sunday Ticket and then help fans out by streaming games online,” continued Goodell.

Goodell confirmed that he found a “half-assed” feed of the Bears, Packers game on Justin.tv, but said the footage was pixilated and frequently froze every time the action started.

As of press time, the NFL commissioner had abandoned the fruitless attempt to watch the game online and was masturbating to a 1994 team photo of the Buffalo Bills.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close