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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Frustrated Sycophant Can't Figure Out What Boss Wants To Hear

HOUSTON, TX—Associate vice-president Barry Ackerman has been struggling to determine exactly what West Texas Bank CEO William J. Holloway wants to hear, the shameless toady said Monday. "I thought for sure he'd be against Proposition 13, because it allows home-equity lines of credit," said the bootlicking Ackerman. "But when I started slamming it, he told me he supported giving the public greater spending power. I just can't read him." To repair any damage his comment may have done, Ackerman sent Holloway two tickets to The Producers.

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