Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Frustrated UNC Student Too Busy Studying For Players’ Tests To Watch Title Game

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Lamenting that he won’t be able to watch the highly anticipated game with his friends, University of North Carolina junior Aaron Wright expressed his frustration Monday that he will be too busy studying for players’ tests to watch the Tar Heels play Villanova for the NCAA National Championship. “Man, I wish I could watch tonight, but there are four different exams I have to prepare for this week,” said Wright, adding that he will only be able to periodically check the game’s score on his phone while cramming all night for senior forward Brice Johnson’s human physiology exam. “I might stream it on my laptop during the second half just to have it on in the background, but I’ll probably be too busy trying to memorize equations for the stats test [small forward] Justin Jackson has on Wednesday to even pay attention to what’s happening. God, this sucks.” At press time, Wright was ignoring a slew of text messages from his roommate about the game while rushing to finish the 12-page European history paper junior guard Kanler Coker has due tomorrow morning.

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