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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Frustrated UNC Student Too Busy Studying For Players’ Tests To Watch Title Game

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Lamenting that he won’t be able to watch the highly anticipated game with his friends, University of North Carolina junior Aaron Wright expressed his frustration Monday that he will be too busy studying for players’ tests to watch the Tar Heels play Villanova for the NCAA National Championship. “Man, I wish I could watch tonight, but there are four different exams I have to prepare for this week,” said Wright, adding that he will only be able to periodically check the game’s score on his phone while cramming all night for senior forward Brice Johnson’s human physiology exam. “I might stream it on my laptop during the second half just to have it on in the background, but I’ll probably be too busy trying to memorize equations for the stats test [small forward] Justin Jackson has on Wednesday to even pay attention to what’s happening. God, this sucks.” At press time, Wright was ignoring a slew of text messages from his roommate about the game while rushing to finish the 12-page European history paper junior guard Kanler Coker has due tomorrow morning.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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