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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Frustrated Wayne LaPierre Thought Murder Of 20 Children By Crazed Gunman Would Have Blown Over By Now

FAIRFAX, VA—More than three weeks after the mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School, annoyed NRA president Wayne LaPierre told reporters Monday that while he understands the seriousness of the tragedy, he had only assumed the senseless murder of 20 first-graders and six educators by a mentally unstable gunman would have blown over by now.

Noting that the massacre was “almost a month ago” and that all of the victims had been laid to rest, the frustrated lobbyist said he couldn’t help but think the nation’s continued efforts to mourn victims and its protracted discussions of gun control were “a little much” at this point.

“I get that this horrible thing happened and all these kids are dead now, but honestly, how long are we going to keep talking about this?” the gun advocate said as he scanned a recent editorial on weapons permits, adding that “enough’s enough, you know?” “Everywhere I go it’s Newtown this, Newtown that. Meanwhile, it’s 2013, and we’re still talking about some shooting that happened last year. Seriously, move on already.”

“I mean, jeez, it’s not as if talking about them will bring them back,” he added. “Let’s just get over it.”

The longtime NRA head acknowledged that as someone who has followed dozens of mass shootings over the years, he had anticipated roughly a week or so of mourning following the deadly tragedy, but “nothing like this, for God’s sake.”

In addition, LaPierre said he was deeply surprised and even somewhat irritated that discussion concerning the heartbreaking loss of young life and the efficacy of existing gun control laws had continued to persist into the new year “as if people had nothing better to do.”

“Look, I get it: A bunch of kids died, and it’s really fucking sad or whatnot, and blah blah blah, but it’s not the end of the world here, people—the beat goes on,” a visibly agitated LaPierre said. “Hell, people die in car accidents every day, and we don’t make a big stink about that. We don’t shut down—just totally shut down—everything for weeks so we can talk about it over and over and over again, do we? Of course not. Oh, but I guess I’m the bad guy for suggesting we get our priorities straight and stop acting like a bunch of mewling babies because of 20 dead kids. Is that it? I’m the bad guy?”

“Yeah, I’m the bad guy,” he added. “Fine.”

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