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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Frustration With Husband Taken Out On Soap Scum

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Local homemaker Darlene Ernst, 37, expressed her frustration with her husband Dean on Tuesday by vigorously scouring the stubborn soap scum from her bathtub's surface.  "A clean bathroom takes a lot of work, and maybe I'm not always in the mood to do it, but I do it anyway because it's the right thing," said Ernst, whose spouse's emotional unavailability is similarly responsible for her home's dust-free mini-blinds and spotless attic.  "I will not let this soap scum ruin my life." Sources report that Ernst treated herself to a new Clorox ReadyMop over the weekend after hearing from neighbors that her husband was seen with another woman.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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