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Fuck, Roommates Want To Have Meeting

They want everyone to sit down together after work, a worried Johnson says.
They want everyone to sit down together after work, a worried Johnson says.

BROOKLYN, NY—Sitting in the living room of his apartment Wednesday, a visibly anxious Drew Johnson told reporters that, fuck, his roommates want to have a meeting as soon as everyone can find a moment.

According to the 24-year-old production assistant, during a brief encounter in the kitchen this morning, Connor—one of three roommates who lived in the apartment prior to Johnson moving in several months ago—informed him they want everyone to sit down and talk sometime in the near future, preferably before the weekend arrives and "things get too crazy."

Johnson speculated that the meeting could either be about the dishes, a stain on the couch he thought he cleaned pretty thoroughly, or the refrigerator's current smell, which Johnson vehemently stated was not his fault but the result of the vegetables Amy bought two weeks ago.

"I asked [Connor] if everything was okay, and he played it pretty cool and said, 'Yeah, yeah, just want to talk some things out,'" said Johnson, adding that he could tell by Connor's terse manner and inability to make eye contact that the meeting clearly wasn't just about checking in and seeing how things were going so far. "When I asked if we could just talk about it now, he said it would be best to hold off until everyone could be here."

"That means it's about me, right?" Johnson continued. "I mean, it has to be. They decided on this meeting when I wasn't there, they want everyone present, so I have to be centrally involved on some level."

Though Johnson said the situation in the apartment has been far from perfect, he reportedly didn't think that problems had escalated to a point that warranted a full-on meeting.

Other than a few recollected infractions—such as the time Johnson was told he was doing the recycling wrong and the time he found the tennis shoes he typically leaves in the common area placed outside his bedroom door—things, according to Johnson, had "been pretty good, or at least I thought they were."

"I haven't bought paper towels in a while," he said while sorting through supplies under the sink, making special note of two kitchen sponges he purchased last week. "But that's because someone else always buys them first. If they wanted me to buy them, they could have asked and I would have picked some up."

"And I guess sometimes the sink can pile up," he continued, noting that several weeks ago there was a Post-it note on the refrigerator reminding everyone to wash their dishes—a message Johnson said was clearly just for him. "It's not like I wasn't going to eventually do the dishes. I just didn't want to do them right then. I wouldn't be surprised if [the meeting's] about the dishes, especially because Amy specifically mentioned clean dishes in her Craigslist ad. Clean dishes and neat communal space. Those were her sticking points."

Citing an unfamiliarity with the apartment's policies, Johnson reviewed a list of things he might have done wrong without even knowing, including failures to lock the back door or use the fan to save electricity. However, the tenant could not recall an occasion when he neglected to notify roommates of an out-of-town guest or ate someone's food without asking, a particular grievance of Bridget.

"I've barely even seen Bridget since I got here," recalled Johnson, adding that he gets the feeling Bridget doesn't like him, anyway. "That means whatever I did, she's hearing about it secondhand."

"How long has this been going on?" he continued. "When I'm in my bedroom, are they out here complaining about me?"

Johnson later stated that if the problems were as small as the ones previously mentioned, they probably wouldn't necessitate a meeting, which led him to believe that the discussion could be about a broader topic, such as his overall personality.

"Holy shit, maybe they're going to kick me out," he said. "Those assholes are going to kick me out. That is not fucking fair. They don't even know me. These guys are like a fucking power bloc. Of course if things go wrong in the apartment they're automatically going to think I'm the problem."

Added Johnson, "This meeting's going to fucking suck."

At press time, Johnson had reportedly decided that while it was pointless to speculate further as to why the meeting was being held, it wouldn't hurt to wash the windows a little bit.

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