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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Fucker Riding Man's Ass Whole Way Out To Cleveland

TWINSBURG, OH—Jesus Christ, area man Mark Hurley cannot fucking believe this dumb shit who has been riding his ass all the way out to Cleveland, even though they're traveling on an empty three-lane highway. The asshole, who, for some reason refuses to just pass already, practically pulled into Hurley's backseat two hours ago, outside Toledo. "Come on!" Hurley reportedly hollered back at the goddamn lunatic, who is not only out of his mind, but apparently wants to get them both killed. "What the hell?" As of press time, oh God, you've got to be kidding, the fucker just turned on his high beams.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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