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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Fucker Sure Taking Long Time To Download

MESA, AZ–That fucker sure is taking a long time to download, computer user Larry Eisen reported Monday. "What is taking this fucker so long?" asked Eisen, trying to download the fucker from amug.org, the web site for Arizona Macintosh Users Group. "I got a DSL line for this?" Spokespersons for AMUG, which offers the 145 MB, BinHex-encoded fucker for download off its FTP server, could not be reached as of press time.

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