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Fucking Loser At Movie All By Himself

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Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Waiting until her daughter and son-in-law were occupied getting drinks in the kitchen following a family dinner at her home Sunday, local grandmother Ellen Sullivan, 72, is said to have palmed her 11-year-old grandson Jason Tucci $10 like she was fixing a heavyweight boxing match.

5 Months Of College Research Outweighed By Weekend Visiting Friend At Penn State

HAGERSTOWN, MD—Noting that the large public university had suddenly emerged as the high school student’s top choice for the fall, sources confirmed Wednesday that a single weekend spent with a friend who attends Penn State completely superseded all of graduating senior Tyler Pince’s college research over the past five months.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Everyone In Coffee Shop Can Tell Trainee A Goner

KIRKLAND, WA—Shaking their heads as they watched the man struggle to make correct change and overheard him botch back-to-back orders, every customer at local coffee shop The Daily Bean confided to reporters Friday they could tell the store’s newest trainee was a definite goner.

34-Year-Old Man May As Well Keep Pursuing Dream At This Point

OMAHA, NE—Admitting he wasn’t really qualified to do much of anything else after all this time, local 34-year-old Ryan Wells told reporters Wednesday that, at this point, he might as well just keep following his dream of someday becoming a successful musician.

You To Still Die One Day

Did You Forget About That For A Minute?

WASHINGTON—Saying that despite the possibility you may have briefly been able to distract yourself from the incontrovertible fact by browsing the internet, hanging out with friends, reading, working out, or via some other diversion, sources confirmed Friday that you are still going to die one day and there is nothing you can do to prevent it.

Teacher’s Lounge The Site Of 5 Separate Emotional Breakdowns Today

CONWAY, AR—Noting that the space hasn’t gone more than two consecutive periods without being filled by the sound of soft sobbing or a sharply uttered series of curse words, sources at Conway High School confirmed that the teacher’s lounge has been the site of five separate emotional breakdowns so far today.

Alignment Of 6,071 Completely Independent Variables Necessary For Man To Feel Okay

PHILADELPHIA—Listing off an extensive set of prerequisite conditions ranging from various aspects of his physical health to the volume of the ongoing construction project outside his apartment, local man Shane Lambert confirmed Thursday that 6,071 completely independent variables must be in perfect synchrony at any given moment for him to feel okay.

Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard

‘I Haven’t Forgotten You,’ Father Softly Whispers

EUCLID, OH—Placing his right palm against the glass of the sliding back door as he softly whispered reassurances to the device, local father Paul Chesney, 48, spent nearly an hour Tuesday gazing longingly at the covered grill in his backyard, family sources reported.

Breaking: Adam Got A PS4 For Christmas

He Got ‘Battlefront’ Too

DANVILLE, CA—Saying that the 10-year-old was so freaking lucky, sources in Mrs. Burnett’s homeroom class confirmed Monday that local 5th-grader Adam Samuels got a PlayStation 4 for Christmas and Star Wars Battlefront, too.

Grandma In Nursing Home Starts Adorable Little Sexual Relationship

PHOENIX—Saying it was nice to know their grandmother had found a companion to spend time with, the family of Desert Spring Assisted Living Home resident Barbara McGann reported Wednesday that the 78-year-old had begun an adorable little sexual relationship with another of the facility’s residents.

Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween

‘He Himself Is The Costume,’ Say Amazed Onlookers

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Brilliantly subverting the very idea of a costume, conceptual genius Mark Richards, 27, reportedly stunned his fellow partygoers Friday when he announced that he had dressed as himself for Halloween.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.
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Fucking Loser At Movie All By Himself

Christ, just look at him, sources are saying.
Christ, just look at him, sources are saying.

NEW YORK—Sources are confirming that a sad fucking loser, who many speculate has no friends or anyone in his life to talk to, is currently attending a 1:30 p.m. screening of the film Red 2 all by himself.

The poor bastard reportedly purchased his single ticket from a kiosk inside the theater complex, ordered a medium popcorn, a pack of Twizzlers, and a medium Diet Coke from the concession stand, and then proceeded to meticulously scout out a seat near the front of the theater, where, according to the pathetic dork, “nobody really bothers you.”

Sources have confirmed that the only people the man has talked to today are movie theater employees.

The fact that the man uses the ticket kiosk to avoid talking to theater employees is sad on a social and psychological level, reports indicate.

“I like going to movies alone, especially during the day when it’s not too crowded,” said the sad man, who attended the first Red movie by himself three years ago, just last week saw World War Z alone, and, good Christ, made plans with himself to see Before Midnight on opening day last month. “It’s relaxing.”

“I’m not expecting too much from Red 2, but it should be fun,” added the heartbreakingly defeated man, who sources believe must have given up on meaningful relationships long ago. “I think Catherine Zeta-Jones is in this one.”

Staring utterly and completely alone at the movie screen in front of him, onlookers confirmed that the man opened his pack of Twizzlers, began eating them one by one, and seemed visibly engaged with the pre-movie trivia as well as the behind-the-scenes look at the new Showtime series Ray Donovan.

In a sight that many later called “devastating,” the sad-as-hell individual who wasn’t sharing his moviegoing experience with anyone was the only one in the theater to laugh out loud at the preview for Martin Scorsese’s The Wolf Of Wall Street and looked visibly surprised and intrigued when the words “Directed by Woody Allen” appeared toward the end of the trailer for Blue Jasmine.

In addition, sources confirmed the poor sonofabitch acted slightly upset—as if his moviegoing experience had been disturbed—when he had to sit up in his chair and make room for two other patrons who wanted to get by him to get to their seats.

Theater employees are reporting the man knew exactly which refreshments to purchase, as though he had done this many times before.

“I like the previews,” said the man, who, deep inside, must be—just must be—fucking miserable. “I don’t care when there are a lot of them. At night sometimes I’ll just sit [alone] on my bed and watch movie trailers on my computer.”

“Sometimes I wish that the film that was about to come on the movie screen were one of the ones from the previews; wouldn’t that be cool if that happened once?” the man continued, in what reports indicate could possibly be one of the most utterly pathetic sentences ever uttered by a human being.

According to witnesses, the depressing loser, who was the youngest person at the matinee screening by a good 30 years, shifted in his seat as the movie began, got comfortable, and began sipping his soft drink and eating his popcorn, later saying that he likes to eat candy first and popcorn second so that the popcorn lasts through most of the film.

The man also took care to shut off his cell phone and place it in the backpack on the seat next to his, which, witnesses confirmed, made it seem as if his backpack was his closest friend.

The sad sack then watched the two-hour action-comedy all by himself, giggling at several Bruce Willis lines, but for the most part staring blankly at the movie screen. When the closing credits began to roll, the man grabbed his backpack and was the first one to leave the theater.

“It was okay,” the man, who has reportedly reached an old enough age where it’s not inconceivable that he’ll be alone all his life, said. “Nothing special.”

At press time, the heartbreaking loser had entered his apartment, sat on his couch, sighed, and turned on his television.

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