Fucking Loser At Movie All By Himself

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 31

Global Warming Making People More Violent

A study published in the journal Science found that extremely hot and dry weather resulted in greater levels of conflict, and posited that for every degree Fahrenheit increase in average temperature, violent crime in the U.S.

Reading Rainbow Trout

PBS 10 a.m. EDT/9 a.m. CDT LeVar Burton takes children out to a river, where they catch rainbow trout and try to discern the fish’s personality just by how it flops around on the shore.

Job Growth Remains Sluggish, Or Rather, Akin To A Slug

WASHINGTON—Despite recent hopes that the lifeless U.S. employment climate may at last be turning a corner, a new report issued Friday by the Bureau of Labor Statistics shows that nationwide job growth remains sluggish, or rather, akin to a slug in i...

Highlights From Ariel Castro’s Courtroom Statement

Ariel Castro, the 53-year-old Cleveland man who abducted, imprisoned, and repeatedly raped three women over the course of 11 years, made a brief statement during a court hearing Thursday, shortly before he was sentenced to life in prison without parole.

Texas Running Out Of Execution Drug

A spokesman for the Texas Department of Criminal Justice confirmed that the state, which has the nation’s highest rate of executions, is running low on the lethal injection drug pentobarbital and would exhaust its supply in September.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holiday

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Fucking Loser At Movie All By Himself

Christ, just look at him, sources are saying.
Christ, just look at him, sources are saying.

NEW YORK—Sources are confirming that a sad fucking loser, who many speculate has no friends or anyone in his life to talk to, is currently attending a 1:30 p.m. screening of the film Red 2 all by himself.

The poor bastard reportedly purchased his single ticket from a kiosk inside the theater complex, ordered a medium popcorn, a pack of Twizzlers, and a medium Diet Coke from the concession stand, and then proceeded to meticulously scout out a seat near the front of the theater, where, according to the pathetic dork, “nobody really bothers you.”

Sources have confirmed that the only people the man has talked to today are movie theater employees.

The fact that the man uses the ticket kiosk to avoid talking to theater employees is sad on a social and psychological level, reports indicate.

“I like going to movies alone, especially during the day when it’s not too crowded,” said the sad man, who attended the first Red movie by himself three years ago, just last week saw World War Z alone, and, good Christ, made plans with himself to see Before Midnight on opening day last month. “It’s relaxing.”

“I’m not expecting too much from Red 2, but it should be fun,” added the heartbreakingly defeated man, who sources believe must have given up on meaningful relationships long ago. “I think Catherine Zeta-Jones is in this one.”

Staring utterly and completely alone at the movie screen in front of him, onlookers confirmed that the man opened his pack of Twizzlers, began eating them one by one, and seemed visibly engaged with the pre-movie trivia as well as the behind-the-scenes look at the new Showtime series Ray Donovan.

In a sight that many later called “devastating,” the sad-as-hell individual who wasn’t sharing his moviegoing experience with anyone was the only one in the theater to laugh out loud at the preview for Martin Scorsese’s The Wolf Of Wall Street and looked visibly surprised and intrigued when the words “Directed by Woody Allen” appeared toward the end of the trailer for Blue Jasmine.

In addition, sources confirmed the poor sonofabitch acted slightly upset—as if his moviegoing experience had been disturbed—when he had to sit up in his chair and make room for two other patrons who wanted to get by him to get to their seats.

Theater employees are reporting the man knew exactly which refreshments to purchase, as though he had done this many times before.

“I like the previews,” said the man, who, deep inside, must be—just must be—fucking miserable. “I don’t care when there are a lot of them. At night sometimes I’ll just sit [alone] on my bed and watch movie trailers on my computer.”

“Sometimes I wish that the film that was about to come on the movie screen were one of the ones from the previews; wouldn’t that be cool if that happened once?” the man continued, in what reports indicate could possibly be one of the most utterly pathetic sentences ever uttered by a human being.

According to witnesses, the depressing loser, who was the youngest person at the matinee screening by a good 30 years, shifted in his seat as the movie began, got comfortable, and began sipping his soft drink and eating his popcorn, later saying that he likes to eat candy first and popcorn second so that the popcorn lasts through most of the film.

The man also took care to shut off his cell phone and place it in the backpack on the seat next to his, which, witnesses confirmed, made it seem as if his backpack was his closest friend.

The sad sack then watched the two-hour action-comedy all by himself, giggling at several Bruce Willis lines, but for the most part staring blankly at the movie screen. When the closing credits began to roll, the man grabbed his backpack and was the first one to leave the theater.

“It was okay,” the man, who has reportedly reached an old enough age where it’s not inconceivable that he’ll be alone all his life, said. “Nothing special.”

At press time, the heartbreaking loser had entered his apartment, sat on his couch, sighed, and turned on his television.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More