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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Fun-Loving, Laid-Back Woman With A Bit Of A Nerdy Side Joins Online Dating Service

CINCINNATI—Describing herself as “spontaneous, down-to-earth, and just a little quirky,” a self-professed fun-loving, laid-back woman with a bit of a nerdy side has joined an online dating service, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I like biking and hanging out with my friends, but am just as fond of curling up with a good book or nerding out to a good Joss Whedon show,” read the woman’s profile, which includes photos captioned with the phrases “reigning karaoke champ” and “me and Ashley at Hogwarts in Orlando!” “While I’m adventurous and enjoy going new places and trying new things, I also don’t mind staying in with a bottle of wine and watching some Battlestar Galactica. Sometimes it’s good to have a day to just veg out, you know?” The woman’s profile also reportedly confirms her positive feelings toward dogs.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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