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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Fun-Loving, Laid-Back Woman With A Bit Of A Nerdy Side Joins Online Dating Service

CINCINNATI—Describing herself as “spontaneous, down-to-earth, and just a little quirky,” a self-professed fun-loving, laid-back woman with a bit of a nerdy side has joined an online dating service, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I like biking and hanging out with my friends, but am just as fond of curling up with a good book or nerding out to a good Joss Whedon show,” read the woman’s profile, which includes photos captioned with the phrases “reigning karaoke champ” and “me and Ashley at Hogwarts in Orlando!” “While I’m adventurous and enjoy going new places and trying new things, I also don’t mind staying in with a bottle of wine and watching some Battlestar Galactica. Sometimes it’s good to have a day to just veg out, you know?” The woman’s profile also reportedly confirms her positive feelings toward dogs.

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