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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Fun-Loving Turtle All Business When It's Feeding Time

GATLINBURG, TN—Though playful and fun-loving through the vast majority of his day, local pet turtle Beeper instantly ceases all frivolity and grows intensely focused when it comes time for his daily feeding, owner Martin DeCarlo reported Monday. “He’ll float around in his little pool for hours, just having the time of his life," the 52-year-old DeCarlo said. “But when I drop in his four pellets of turtle food, he cuts the bullshit and gets right on task. He homes in on the food like a fucking laser, as if the whole universe had been reduced to nothing but him and those pellets. Then, when he’s all done, just as suddenly as he stopped, he goes right back to Beeper fun time.” DeCarlo added that once, when feeding time was delayed by several hours, Beeper greeted him with a glare of “seething contempt.”

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