Funeral Held For Door Shot 4 Times By Oscar Pistorius

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Vol 49 Issue 08

Daniel Craig Takes Home Pretty Good Actor Award

LOS ANGELES—As industry insiders had been predicting for weeks, Daniel Craig was a big winner at last night’s 85th Academy Awards ceremony after the 44-year-old actor took home the Pretty Good Actor Award, Hollywood’s highest achievement...

Are You Holding A Spoon Or A Fork?

FOOD 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST Producers had to search high and low for some real idiots to make this show at all interesting, but boy did they find some.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Funeral Held For Door Shot 4 Times By Oscar Pistorius

PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—Hundreds of grieving friends and family members gathered at a private memorial service today to mourn the death of the bathroom door that was shot by paralympian Oscar Pistorius late last week. “This poor door was only three years old—what kind of a monster would do such a thing?” said mourner Henrik Lourens of the poplar entryway, which died of multiple gunshot wounds early Valentine’s Day. “We got a carpenter to fix it up for the casket, and he did a pretty good job, but it’s still hard to see it just lying there. At least it’s in a better place now.” Sources confirmed the door would be cremated.

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