adBlockCheck

Funeral Looks Cheap

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Funeral Looks Cheap

DEARBORN, MI—Everything from the bottom-of-the-line coffin to the shabby suit worn by the deceased made the funeral of longtime assembly-line foreman Thomas Meissner, who died May 13 at the age of 68, look cheap, several guests reported Tuesday.

Meissner in his second-rate casket.

"There were only five tiny bouquets at the visitation," said Betty Foyer, 59, next-door neighbor to Meissner since 1978. "If you can't afford a large arrangement, you should at least select some tasteful fresh flowers, out of respect for the recently departed. I felt so bad for Tom."

The visitation was held Sunday at Wenke Funeral Home on Raymond Road. The funeral service took place across the street, at the Church of the Redeemer, where the Meissners have worshipped for the past 20 years.

"I thought Tom's son was a teacher in Traverse City," Foyer said. "But I guess he couldn't help out with the costs. That casket looked like it was made out of plywood with a coat of black enamel slapped on. And there's no way those bronze fittings were real."

A framed photograph of Meissner, taken during his honeymoon in the Upper Peninsula in 1960, was propped up beside the casket.

"I think it was one of those $1.99 plastic frames they sell at the Walgreens just down the street," said Alice Dade, 61, who plays bridge with Foyer every Sunday afternoon after church. "I guess it's not really a surprise that they didn't think to get a nicer frame. It was just a couple months ago that they finally got the house re-painted."

Foyer added that "at least Tom looked put together in the photo."

"At the funeral, it was a different story," she said. "Tom was dressed in some 25-year-old navy-blue suit with a stain on the left breast pocket. That stain killed me. It looked like it was salad dressing. Maybe he died in the suit, and they never bothered to take it off him to have it cleaned."

"Oh, I'm sorry I said that," Foyer added. "At least he was wearing a suit. That's more than I can say for his brothers who came to the funeral."

According to several guests at the service, the ceremony lacked the polish and care that a widow ought to provide for her dead husband.

"There was no special pastor, just our regular one," said Doris Carter, who got to know the Meissners at church events and community gatherings. "His nephew tried to sing both songs in the service, with that tinny portable stereo system as backup. I guess if you're not a trained musician, it's hard to carry a tune in front of an audience."

Pastor John Sipek presided over the ceremony. After leading a prayer and delivering a brief tribute, Sipek opened the pulpit to anyone who wanted "to say a few words" about Meissner.

"Judy got so choked up, she lost her place two or three times during her eulogy, which she read off a rumpled little piece of paper she pulled out of her pocket," Foyer said, imitating the gesture with her handkerchief. "I don't know why she didn't ask someone else to address everyone if she wasn't going to be able to. I would've been happy to do it, but she insisted she do it herself, then got up there and fell apart."

"Poor thing," Foyer added.

Although no one complained of discomfort while at the church, several women shared concern for some of the elderly guests.

"My heart went out to that poor gentleman in the pinstriped suit, forced to sit on those uncushioned pews, sweating in the sunlight," Carter said. "I guess he didn't know that, in the warmer months at the Redeemer, it's best to take one of the shady seats in back. They don't have central air."

After the service, the mourners, numbering fewer than 60, drove in a small caravan to the burial plot, located "right off the highway," according to Dade. Although several guests thought the interment rushed and the modest tombstone "an insult to Tom," they were most nettled by the frugality evident at the dinner following the wake.

"When I heard everyone was going to Cracker Barrel after the funeral home, I thought it was a joke," Foyer said. "I asked Judy if she really expected us to share memories at a theme restaurant, and she just said 'yes.' They probably let her reserve the room for free, considering she worked there for so many years. Let's just say I'd had higher hopes for the luncheon."

The post-funeral lunch was even more modest, held in the church's basement, where guests were surprised to discover that the food was homemade.

"I don't want to insult the food at a funeral," said Carter said, smacking her lips in disapproval. "But a word of advice: If you don't know your way around the kitchen, spare yourself the effort. How a woman gets to be as old as Judy without knowing how to cook a decent casserole is beyond me. The coffee was so weak, I couldn't tell if it was decaf or hot water. And not a Sweet 'N Low packet in sight."

Continued Carter: "Not that I minded drinking cold, black coffee. I just felt badly for [Tom's nephew] Robert, who had to drive all the way back to Flint with nothing but a ham sandwich on Wonder Bread in his stomach."

After extending their condolences, Foyer, Carter, and Dade confided to each other that the funeral was "tragic."

"There is no excuse for such a chintzy affair," Dade said. "Tom was sick for almost a year. Judy's had more than enough time to plan a nice funeral. I do believe she tried her best, though. Some people just don't know better. Really, what can you expect from a woman who doesn't keep her lawn mowed?"

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close