adBlockCheck

Funny Monkey Tested On

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Funny Monkey Tested On

DAYTON, OH—Captain Bananas, a funny little monkey whose simian shenanigans never fail to crack up everyone he meets, was strenuously and repeatedly tested on at ViviTech Consumer Products Research Laboratory last week.

The irrepressible Captain Bananas has won the hearts of ViviTech Consumer Products Research Laboratory employees with his hilarious, non-stop monkey antics.

The delightful Captain Bananas, a four-year-old rhesus monkey, is a source of never-ending amusement for the people lucky enough to work with him in ViviTech's Irritability And Toxicity Testing Division.

"I just love the Captain. He's always doing something crazy to make me laugh!" effused subcutaneous/ocular-irritant trauma technician Sarah Downing. "Yesterday morning, when he saw me coming, he jumped around his cage and squealed with glee. Then he spun around and did a handstand! I was laughing so hard, I was barely able to strap him to a table, drill a hole in his skull, insert electrical probes into his cerebral cortex to monitor pain responses, sew his anus shut, cut his left eyelid off with shears, seal his tear ducts with a cauterizing iron, and inject a concentrated mixture of cadmium chlorate directly into his exposed eyeball."

"Aren't you a silly little fellow? Aren't you?" Downing said to Captain Bananas, patting him lovingly but carefully on the head to avoid dislodging the high-amperage electrodes in his cranium. "Yes, you are! Yes, you are!"

Downing said that after yesterday's experiment, designed to measure the time necessary for cadmium chloride to completely dissolve an eyeball, Captain Bananas was given "the cutest little eyepatch."

"Who's a little pirate? Who's a liddle widdle pirate?" she asked Captain Bananas as he scratched meekly at the square of cloth sewn over his now-empty socket. "You are! Yes, you are! Ahoy, Captain!"

Downing is by no means Captain Bananas' only fan at ViviTech. "I never get tired of that crazy little guy. Every time I see him, he always puts a smile on my face," said Dwayne Stebbins, a chloroxylene chemist who has enjoyed plenty of the monkey's hilarious antics during his study of the long-term effects of stove-cleaner ingestion on primates. "I remember this one time, we forced 2.7 liters of flammable lighter-fluid/paint-thinner mixture down his throat—oh, the look on his face! A few hours later, he really cracked us up when he defecated the entire volume of undigested chemicals onto a lit bunsen burner. I tell you, you haven't truly seen 'monkeyshines' until you've seen liquid flame pour from Captain Bananas' anus."

Admittedly, after years of having his skin shaved off with experimental razorblades, limbs broken and rebroken to test playground equipment, and mucus membranes injected with new industrial solvents, Captain Bananas is a bit worse for wear. But ViviTech spokespersons say his remaining eye is as bright as ever.

"We've got lots of animals here in the lab, but Captain Bananas is still everyone's favorite—not just for his bottomless bag of crazy tricks, but also for his phenomenally high pain threshold," Downing said.

As beloved as he is, though, Captain Bananas will soon have to move on. "Unfortunately, even an irrepressible critter like The Captain has only so many tests in him," Downing said. "So next month, after Captain Bananas helps us determine how much tub-and-tile spray it takes to remove a monkey's skin, it's off to 'Monkey Retirement Camp' for him."

Officials at ViviTech's Monkey Retirement Camp, a motorcycle-helmet testing range, said they are "very much looking forward" to discovering Captain Bananas' unique sense of humor, as well as his skull's elastic and tensile limits, for themselves.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close