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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

Who's Fucking: Zack and Evan

Coworkers Zack and Evan talk about moving past first impressions, stepping out of your comfort zone, and understanding what it really means to fuck someone.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Furious Bleacher Report Editor Will Make Staff Rank Things All Fucking Night If He Has To

SAN FRANCISCO—Frustrated with the poor quality of lists the website’s writers have produced as of late, BleacherReport.com editor Eric Briggs threatened Monday to force the staff to rank things “all fucking night” if he had to. “What do you fucking think this is? It’s Bleacher Report. Pick any fucking sports shit and rank it,” said Briggs, before angrily slamming shut the laptop of a young writer he found working on a 4,000-word feature on the legacy of racial prejudice in tennis. “I don’t give a shit if you’re tired. Rank the goddamn top 10 fingers on Tom Brady’s hands if you have to. Just shit something out, and people will click through it.” Briggs added that if he did not have 400 new lists ready to put up on the website the next morning, the staff could “say goodbye” to their “cushy-ass $5-a-post jobs.”

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