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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Furious Maitre D’ Can Only Assume Hostess Didn’t Realize She Was Addressing Everlast

NEW YORK—Reportedly pulling her aside and furiously upbraiding her for not showing the proper respect and deference, Four Seasons Restaurant maitre d’ Arthur Connelly disciplined a hostess Friday for offending a patron that she had evidently not recognized as rapper and former House of Pain frontman Everlast. “I am only going to say this once: That is Everlast. You have to know who he is and make whatever accommodations are necessary to ensure he’s completely satisfied and comfortable,” Connelly said, scolding the recently hired hostess moments after she had informed the singer of the 1998 blues-rap hit “What It’s Like” that the only available table was in the back of the restaurant by the kitchen. “For Everlast you clear out a corner booth, even if you have to throw someone out a window to do it, and then you offer him a bottle of champagne, compliments of the house. Got it? Do not let a mistake like this happen again.” At press time, Connelly was seen sprinting back to the kitchen to return a soufflé that was not to Gerardo’s liking.

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