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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Furious Maitre D’ Can Only Assume Hostess Didn’t Realize She Was Addressing Everlast

NEW YORK—Reportedly pulling her aside and furiously upbraiding her for not showing the proper respect and deference, Four Seasons Restaurant maitre d’ Arthur Connelly disciplined a hostess Friday for offending a patron that she had evidently not recognized as rapper and former House of Pain frontman Everlast. “I am only going to say this once: That is Everlast. You have to know who he is and make whatever accommodations are necessary to ensure he’s completely satisfied and comfortable,” Connelly said, scolding the recently hired hostess moments after she had informed the singer of the 1998 blues-rap hit “What It’s Like” that the only available table was in the back of the restaurant by the kitchen. “For Everlast you clear out a corner booth, even if you have to throw someone out a window to do it, and then you offer him a bottle of champagne, compliments of the house. Got it? Do not let a mistake like this happen again.” At press time, Connelly was seen sprinting back to the kitchen to return a soufflé that was not to Gerardo’s liking.

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