adBlockCheck

Furious Maitre D’ Can Only Assume Hostess Didn’t Realize She Was Addressing Everlast

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Furious Maitre D’ Can Only Assume Hostess Didn’t Realize She Was Addressing Everlast

NEW YORK—Reportedly pulling her aside and furiously upbraiding her for not showing the proper respect and deference, Four Seasons Restaurant maitre d’ Arthur Connelly disciplined a hostess Friday for offending a patron that she had evidently not recognized as rapper and former House of Pain frontman Everlast. “I am only going to say this once: That is Everlast. You have to know who he is and make whatever accommodations are necessary to ensure he’s completely satisfied and comfortable,” Connelly said, scolding the recently hired hostess moments after she had informed the singer of the 1998 blues-rap hit “What It’s Like” that the only available table was in the back of the restaurant by the kitchen. “For Everlast you clear out a corner booth, even if you have to throw someone out a window to do it, and then you offer him a bottle of champagne, compliments of the house. Got it? Do not let a mistake like this happen again.” At press time, Connelly was seen sprinting back to the kitchen to return a soufflé that was not to Gerardo’s liking.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close