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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Furious Maitre D’ Can Only Assume Hostess Didn’t Realize She Was Addressing Everlast

NEW YORK—Reportedly pulling her aside and furiously upbraiding her for not showing the proper respect and deference, Four Seasons Restaurant maitre d’ Arthur Connelly disciplined a hostess Friday for offending a patron that she had evidently not recognized as rapper and former House of Pain frontman Everlast. “I am only going to say this once: That is Everlast. You have to know who he is and make whatever accommodations are necessary to ensure he’s completely satisfied and comfortable,” Connelly said, scolding the recently hired hostess moments after she had informed the singer of the 1998 blues-rap hit “What It’s Like” that the only available table was in the back of the restaurant by the kitchen. “For Everlast you clear out a corner booth, even if you have to throw someone out a window to do it, and then you offer him a bottle of champagne, compliments of the house. Got it? Do not let a mistake like this happen again.” At press time, Connelly was seen sprinting back to the kitchen to return a soufflé that was not to Gerardo’s liking.

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