Furious Ozzie Guillen's Lineup Card Full Of Expletives

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Vol 44 Issue 23

Clinton Suspends Campaign

While keeping her delegates, Hillary Clinton has suspended her campaign to be the Democratic nominee, leaving Barack Obama the party's presumptive...

Terrible Idea Committed To Paper

SECAUCUS, NJ—Sales supervisor Justin Henry stopped in the middle of a busy sidewalk Monday, obstructing the paths of 15 pedestrians as he...

Ed McMahon May Lose House

After falling behind in payments, former Tonight Show sidekick Ed McMahon is in danger of losing his $6.25 million home. What do you think?
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Furious Ozzie Guillen's Lineup Card Full Of Expletives

CHICAGO—Still fuming after his team blew a late-inning lead in a loss to the Rays Sunday, White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen filled out Tuesday night's lineup card with a series of expletives, insults, and personal attacks on his players. The lineup card, posted in the dugout at approximately 6 p.m., referred to the team as the "Chicago Shit Sox," and read in part, "1. Orlando Fucking Cabrera, 2. Goddamn Motherfucking Neckless Bastard A.J. Shitbag Pierzynski DUMB!!! FUCK!!!, 3. Jermaine Fucking Gonna Dye Fucking Shit 0-For-5 Shitfuck Fuck Fucking Fucknuts Asshole Just Try Me Motherfucker." Guillen also announced that Nick Shitlicker [Swisher] would be starting in centerfield and Jim Thome would be the "designated fuckface." Upon noticing that "Cocksucking Assbag Motherfucking Shitfucking Numbnuts Fuckhole" was penciled into the No. 4 spot, Paul Konerko expressed delight that he was batting cleanup.
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