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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Fussy Eater 38

OMAHA, NE—According to sources, local fussy eater Bryan Wilcox, who is known for refusing to eat any type of food he hasn’t tried before or that falls outside of his narrow zone of comfort, is 38 years old. “Can I just get it plain, without sauce?” asked the adult man, who was born in 1975, has a 401k, a spouse, and two young children, yet frowns and shakes his head at the sight of shellfish, most varieties of vegetable, or any sandwich that hasn’t first had its crust removed. “Is it touching tomatoes? I don’t want it if it’s touching tomatoes.” Sources later confirmed that Wilcox, a fully grown human, just pushed his food around his plate until he got to have dessert.

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