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Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Future Christian Drinking And Doing Drugs And Thinking It's One Big Joke

WAUKEGAN, IL—Without any concern for what his self-destructive habits are doing to him and to his relationship with the Lord, future born-again Christian Travis Sutton is currently drinking, doing drugs, and thinking everything is just one big joke, sources confirmed Tuesday.

The completely out-of-line 24-year-old, who one day will get his act together and realize that no amount of fast living can match the rush that comes from allowing Jesus to fill your heart, is at this point reportedly getting drunk every day, partying every night, and acting like nothing else even matters.

“Woo! Let’s get this party started!” shouted the reckless man, who would rather crack open a beer than a Bible, and who hasn’t once stopped to think that there might be something missing from his life that he’ll never get from hard drugs or loose women. “Hey, everybody, we need to get fucked up! Let’s do some shots, man! Do it!”

“Fuck yeah!” the man added while partaking of the wrong kind of spirit, one that won’t ever quench the thirst in his soul that sources noted can only be satisfied by living each and every day for Jesus.

According to numerous reports, Sutton is currently gambling away his eternal salvation in a crooked game of boozing, doping, and skirt-chasing that will continue to spiral out of control as he strays farther and farther from the healing light of the Lord. In addition, Sutton apparently does not realize how much he will one day regret having slept around with different women, wishing he had instead saved sex for his wedding night.

Perhaps most alarmingly, sources have confirmed that while these wild times may seem like harmless fun right now, the as-yet-unsaved Sutton is in fact on a collision-course with disaster—and Satan is behind the wheel.

“All right, now we’re talking! Line that shit up,” Sutton said while once again getting high on drugs with a roomful of his so-called pals and turning his back on the one true friend who is his only hope in this world. “Do we know where we can get some more of this? I don’t care what time it is. I’ll go all night.”

“Hey, Keith, call your dealer!” continued the wayward man who hasn’t yet learned there’s a much better way to get high: with a higher power.

Despite the evil that currently fills the young man’s heart, the mercy of God is reportedly so great that even sins as wicked as Sutton’s will be forgiven when he turns his life over to Jesus Christ.

In the future, sources said, Sutton will share with others the story of how he once fell for the devil’s tricks and, like many young people, thought drugs were cool. It is expected that he will relate many anecdotes from the dark times of his youth—using phrases like “That was my life, if you could call it that”—before going on to say that if you place your trust in God, you’ll get a lot more in return.

A whole lot more, reports confirmed.

“Hey, we need more beer!” said Sutton, who is believed to be moments away from learning that, unlike the blood Jesus shed for him upon the cross, a bottle of alcohol cannot wash away his pain. “Come on, let’s go! I’m driving!”

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