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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.
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Future Christian Drinking And Doing Drugs And Thinking It's One Big Joke

WAUKEGAN, IL—Without any concern for what his self-destructive habits are doing to him and to his relationship with the Lord, future born-again Christian Travis Sutton is currently drinking, doing drugs, and thinking everything is just one big joke, sources confirmed Tuesday.

The completely out-of-line 24-year-old, who one day will get his act together and realize that no amount of fast living can match the rush that comes from allowing Jesus to fill your heart, is at this point reportedly getting drunk every day, partying every night, and acting like nothing else even matters.

“Woo! Let’s get this party started!” shouted the reckless man, who would rather crack open a beer than a Bible, and who hasn’t once stopped to think that there might be something missing from his life that he’ll never get from hard drugs or loose women. “Hey, everybody, we need to get fucked up! Let’s do some shots, man! Do it!”

“Fuck yeah!” the man added while partaking of the wrong kind of spirit, one that won’t ever quench the thirst in his soul that sources noted can only be satisfied by living each and every day for Jesus.

According to numerous reports, Sutton is currently gambling away his eternal salvation in a crooked game of boozing, doping, and skirt-chasing that will continue to spiral out of control as he strays farther and farther from the healing light of the Lord. In addition, Sutton apparently does not realize how much he will one day regret having slept around with different women, wishing he had instead saved sex for his wedding night.

Perhaps most alarmingly, sources have confirmed that while these wild times may seem like harmless fun right now, the as-yet-unsaved Sutton is in fact on a collision-course with disaster—and Satan is behind the wheel.

“All right, now we’re talking! Line that shit up,” Sutton said while once again getting high on drugs with a roomful of his so-called pals and turning his back on the one true friend who is his only hope in this world. “Do we know where we can get some more of this? I don’t care what time it is. I’ll go all night.”

“Hey, Keith, call your dealer!” continued the wayward man who hasn’t yet learned there’s a much better way to get high: with a higher power.

Despite the evil that currently fills the young man’s heart, the mercy of God is reportedly so great that even sins as wicked as Sutton’s will be forgiven when he turns his life over to Jesus Christ.

In the future, sources said, Sutton will share with others the story of how he once fell for the devil’s tricks and, like many young people, thought drugs were cool. It is expected that he will relate many anecdotes from the dark times of his youth—using phrases like “That was my life, if you could call it that”—before going on to say that if you place your trust in God, you’ll get a lot more in return.

A whole lot more, reports confirmed.

“Hey, we need more beer!” said Sutton, who is believed to be moments away from learning that, unlike the blood Jesus shed for him upon the cross, a bottle of alcohol cannot wash away his pain. “Come on, let’s go! I’m driving!”

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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

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