adBlockCheck

Future Christian Drinking And Doing Drugs And Thinking It's One Big Joke

Top Headlines

Local

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Future Christian Drinking And Doing Drugs And Thinking It's One Big Joke

WAUKEGAN, IL—Without any concern for what his self-destructive habits are doing to him and to his relationship with the Lord, future born-again Christian Travis Sutton is currently drinking, doing drugs, and thinking everything is just one big joke, sources confirmed Tuesday.

The completely out-of-line 24-year-old, who one day will get his act together and realize that no amount of fast living can match the rush that comes from allowing Jesus to fill your heart, is at this point reportedly getting drunk every day, partying every night, and acting like nothing else even matters.

“Woo! Let’s get this party started!” shouted the reckless man, who would rather crack open a beer than a Bible, and who hasn’t once stopped to think that there might be something missing from his life that he’ll never get from hard drugs or loose women. “Hey, everybody, we need to get fucked up! Let’s do some shots, man! Do it!”

“Fuck yeah!” the man added while partaking of the wrong kind of spirit, one that won’t ever quench the thirst in his soul that sources noted can only be satisfied by living each and every day for Jesus.

According to numerous reports, Sutton is currently gambling away his eternal salvation in a crooked game of boozing, doping, and skirt-chasing that will continue to spiral out of control as he strays farther and farther from the healing light of the Lord. In addition, Sutton apparently does not realize how much he will one day regret having slept around with different women, wishing he had instead saved sex for his wedding night.

Perhaps most alarmingly, sources have confirmed that while these wild times may seem like harmless fun right now, the as-yet-unsaved Sutton is in fact on a collision-course with disaster—and Satan is behind the wheel.

“All right, now we’re talking! Line that shit up,” Sutton said while once again getting high on drugs with a roomful of his so-called pals and turning his back on the one true friend who is his only hope in this world. “Do we know where we can get some more of this? I don’t care what time it is. I’ll go all night.”

“Hey, Keith, call your dealer!” continued the wayward man who hasn’t yet learned there’s a much better way to get high: with a higher power.

Despite the evil that currently fills the young man’s heart, the mercy of God is reportedly so great that even sins as wicked as Sutton’s will be forgiven when he turns his life over to Jesus Christ.

In the future, sources said, Sutton will share with others the story of how he once fell for the devil’s tricks and, like many young people, thought drugs were cool. It is expected that he will relate many anecdotes from the dark times of his youth—using phrases like “That was my life, if you could call it that”—before going on to say that if you place your trust in God, you’ll get a lot more in return.

A whole lot more, reports confirmed.

“Hey, we need more beer!” said Sutton, who is believed to be moments away from learning that, unlike the blood Jesus shed for him upon the cross, a bottle of alcohol cannot wash away his pain. “Come on, let’s go! I’m driving!”

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close