adBlockCheck

Future Of Genteel Town In Jeopardy As Doily Factory Closes

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Originality

Future Of Genteel Town In Jeopardy As Doily Factory Closes

HONEYSUCKLE CORNERS, MO—A Missouri town's doily factory will close down for good this week, potentially spelling the end of the idyllic and grandmotherly way of life enjoyed by its citizens for generations.

A typical neighborhood in Honeysuckle Corners, specifically, the intersection of Peachfuzz Lane and Kitten Street. The town is also famous for its lemonade and for being the summer home of Santa Claus.

"Whatever shall we do after the factory has closed?" said Oscar Washburn, a lifelong Honeysuckle Corners resident and 25-year employee of Geo. M. Topper's Protective Doilies & Antimacassars Ltd., on Monday, during the factory's customary 2 p.m. tea break. "How shall I put tarts on my family's table? Will my dear wife be forced to return her new bonnet to Tabitha Twee [the milliner]? It's all just dreadful."

The Topper plant, established in 1854, has long been known as the nation's leading manufacturer of scratch-preventing, lace-trimmed cloth and paper materials, and it provides work for more than two-thirds of the town's adult population.

Citizens of Honeysuckle Corners were once the most prosperous and content in the region, with nearly 75 percent gingerbread-house ownership and an unrivaled tea-cozy-to-person ratio. But since notice of the closure was delivered by bluebird post on Aug. 5, sources within the quiet and orderly town of 4,600 report that the sun has shone with less might, the tulips that line every sidewalk have drooped noticeably, and rock candy now leaves a bitter taste in the mouths of the children.

"I should like to know, with the closing of our town's fine factory, what shall keep an object from being placed upon another object without marring the surface of the latter object?" asked a red-faced, mustachioed C. Winthrop Archer, proprietor of the nearby Dew Drop Luncheonette & Soda Fountain, which many Topper workers patronize each mid-afternoon. "I should like to know. Yes sir, I should very much like to know."

Other residents were more civil, conceding that while there were certainly other things they could do to keep from being idle, such as taking in washing and making preserves, heirloom-quality doily making is all they have ever known.

"Our lives revolve around the factory," said Obsidia McDobbs, head slip-stitcher at the plant. "Every morning at eight o'clock we leave our little cottages, take the Toot-Toot Trolley to Topper's, fashion all manner of beautiful and delicate doilies, picnic out-of-doors on cold chicken and mincemeat pie, return to the factory to work some more, close down shop at three o'clock, and ride home on the Toot-Toot Trolley to our little cottages, where we tend to our flower gardens and play accordions on our front porches."

George M. Topper VI, the factory's owner and great-great-great-grandson of the founder, attributed the plant's closure to changing conditions outside the town, which he observed on a recent trip to Kansas City.

"The housewives of today, clad as they are in men's pantaloons, are less inclined to adorn their furnishings with protective lacy coverings," Topper said. "And with so many men now forgoing hair balms and ointments, it's hard to imagine a time less appropriate for a finely made antimacassar."

Perhaps most alarming, according to one source who would only be quoted under the alias Teorge W. Gopper VI, the largest and most loyal group of consumers for the factory's frilly wares have historically been "the good people of Honeysuckle Corners themselves."

Mayor E.Q. Willard assured the citizenry that he and the town chamber of commerce were devising new and creative ways to bring in revenues.

"One thing is for sure: Our new penny- whistle plant will put Honeysuckle Corners right back on the map," Willard said. "People from all walks of life have always loved penny whistles, and that's not about to change. No indeed."

Residents remained worried, however, that their town could go the way of nearby Willow Bough, known until recently as the "Crocheted Pot Holder Capital" of the United States, but now notorious for its white-slavery and opium ring.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close