adBlockCheck

Future Olympic Star Hard At Work On Her Backstory

Top Headlines

Sports

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Future Olympic Star Hard At Work On Her Backstory

ALBANY, GA—By the conclusion of the 2012 London Games last Sunday, promising 12-year-old gymnast Alexandra Davids had already begun working diligently on an inspiring personal backstory for the 2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro. "I'll have to get cut from a team at some point or maybe fall just short at a really important competition," said Davids, who added that temporarily living in a homeless shelter or surviving a school shooting could provide a background that would make her story more touching. "If I could suffer some sort of serious injury and have doctors tell me I'll never be able to compete again, that'd be perfect. Basically anything where I can capture the hearts and minds of the entire nation by defying the odds to win." Davids confirmed that, while she in no way hopes for it to happen, having one of her parents die unexpectedly right before the Olympics "certainly couldn't hurt."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close