North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
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G-175 Nations Convene To Discuss How Things Can't Possibly Be Any Worse

HARARE, ZIMBABWE—In a hotel ballroom eight miles outside Zimbabwe's capital city, representatives from the world's 175 least powerful nations met this week to discuss how everything—from political unrest, to insurmountable debt, to bloody social strife—can't get any worse.

The world's least-influential nations gathered together to outline the upcoming year of widespread drought and famine.

The annual summit, held in a different embattled and deeply troubled country each year, is aimed at addressing a wide range of issues currently facing the world's most helpless leaders. According to organizers, this year's G-175 will focus primarily on the challenges of global inequality, most notably how much of it there is, and how almost nothing can be done about it.

"We have gathered here this evening to address the utter hopelessness we all face," said Bangladeshi prime minister Sheikh Hasina, who presided over the four-day conference. "Whether stricken by crippling inflation, devastating war, or horrific spells of famine, it is time for us to come together as one and agree that pretty much everything is in the toilet."

Added Hasina, "Now then, all those in favor of sighing loudly and looking around in desperation for some kind of answer, please say aye."

Three of the G-175 leaders (above) were violently deposed during the week-long summit.

The dignitaries, who traveled from all across the world, arrived early Thursday morning to tackle a week's worth of possible resolutions. Items on the schedule included a motion to sit in hopeless resignation as the terrifying spread of hepatitis claimed the lives of millions, as well as a multilateral treaty, signed by all present, to shake their heads in defeat and disgust at rising poverty rates.

Three hours of official cursing at G-20 nations and their inherent wealth and greed followed.

"Our people are starving," said Tanzanian minister of agriculture Steven M. Wasira, contributing to a heated debate over whether all nations involved were completely screwed or absolutely fucked. "We cannot grow anything in the north because of the drought, and flooding in the south has stopped us from harvesting what little food we do have. I come here today to ask that you please help the poor citizens of my—"

Wasira's plea ended abruptly when the Days Inn ballroom the summit was using had to be cleared for a 5 p.m wedding reception.

According to G-175 attendees, the international conference had a more productive second day. A series of seminars, including "Coping With Being Ignored By The U.N.," "The Welcome Respite Of Impending Death," and "At Least We Haven't Been Swallowed Whole By The Earth Yet," provided frantic world leaders with some unviable solutions.

In addition, representatives from nations lacking in the most basic of daily amenities found hope Friday when a motion to steal soap, shampoo, and hand towels from their hotel rooms was successfully ratified.

The summit has also seen some setbacks. Military coups in several G-175 countries, including two in Thailand, delayed a number of panel discussions Saturday. And on Sunday, a meeting about burning dung as an alternative energy source was postponed when a Belarusian representative attempted to take control of the summit in an armed insurrection before being shot and killed

Despite the low profile of this year's meeting, hundreds of protestors gathered in front of the hotel, overturning cars, setting fires, and throwing tear gas into the streets. Though it was later determined that two-thirds of those on hand were actually fighting in an unrelated civil war, G-175 leaders did not escape without their share of criticism.

"From what I can see, the member nations have gathered here to indulge in a lot of backslapping," G-175 protestor Baakir Ha-zaru said. "They devoted an entire day to discussing how we are powerless to stop the spread of AIDS. Well, what about discussing how we are powerless to stop the spread of typhoid fever, or even malaria for that matter? This is simply unacceptable."

On the final day of the summit, G-175 leaders voted unanimously that Iceland, which had previously been thought to be faring quite well, was actually doomed to failure like all the others. Before the closing remarks could bring the meeting to a formal end, the facilities had to be evacuated due to a carbon monoxide leak.

"We've made real progress over these past few days," Papua New Guinea's representative Beida Enuma said. "For instance, we realized that, while members of the G-20 are suffering under the weight of a crushing global recession, we haven't noticed it at all. So, in a way, things are actually sort of looking up."

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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

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