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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Gallant Amazon User Heroically Defends 'Fringe' Season 2 Box Set From Negative Reviewers

TEMPE, AZ—Doughty and lionhearted Amazon.com reviewer Jason Lydon, 24, leapt to the defense of the Fringe season two box set Friday, protecting the Fox television series from the brutal comments and cutthroat low ratings of its gravest detractors. “Don’t listen to Agerybay09—Peter’s emotional arc with his father works perfectly with the development of both universes,” the valorous Lydon wrote, staving off assault after assault with the rapier-thrust of each word. “What are these clueless people talking about?? J.J. Abrams didn’t get ‘desperate’ in this season. What he did was break new ground. That’s what makes this show so brilliant and—I don’t care what batgirl_91 says—the only worthy successor to Lost The courageous Amazon user then went on to act as a human shield against falsehood on the “What can you do about hardened brown sugar?” Yahoo! Answers page.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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