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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Gallant Man Extremely Concerned About Drunk Woman's Welfare

FORT WAYNE, IN—Derek Kriesel, 22, who shall heretofore be known far and wide as the stately prince of Shooters Sports Pub & Grub, gallantly rushed to the aid of an inebriated maiden Tuesday when he noticed she was too drunk to make rational decisions. "A noble one was he who, as the valiant knights of yore, attended to her every whim, and yet she did not have to ask, or even glance in his direction," bartender Nate Bogen said of the modern-day Lancelot, who from his own pocket purchased many a drink for the woman after she fumbled just once for her purse. "He is truly a man among men, for ne'er did his eyes stray from her." According to sources, the noble hero also escorted the fair lady to her quarters, fingered her while she vomited, and slipped off before dawn without waking her or her parents.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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