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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Gallant Man Extremely Concerned About Drunk Woman's Welfare

FORT WAYNE, IN—Derek Kriesel, 22, who shall heretofore be known far and wide as the stately prince of Shooters Sports Pub & Grub, gallantly rushed to the aid of an inebriated maiden Tuesday when he noticed she was too drunk to make rational decisions. "A noble one was he who, as the valiant knights of yore, attended to her every whim, and yet she did not have to ask, or even glance in his direction," bartender Nate Bogen said of the modern-day Lancelot, who from his own pocket purchased many a drink for the woman after she fumbled just once for her purse. "He is truly a man among men, for ne'er did his eyes stray from her." According to sources, the noble hero also escorted the fair lady to her quarters, fingered her while she vomited, and slipped off before dawn without waking her or her parents.

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