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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Gallant Man Extremely Concerned About Drunk Woman's Welfare

FORT WAYNE, IN—Derek Kriesel, 22, who shall heretofore be known far and wide as the stately prince of Shooters Sports Pub & Grub, gallantly rushed to the aid of an inebriated maiden Tuesday when he noticed she was too drunk to make rational decisions. "A noble one was he who, as the valiant knights of yore, attended to her every whim, and yet she did not have to ask, or even glance in his direction," bartender Nate Bogen said of the modern-day Lancelot, who from his own pocket purchased many a drink for the woman after she fumbled just once for her purse. "He is truly a man among men, for ne'er did his eyes stray from her." According to sources, the noble hero also escorted the fair lady to her quarters, fingered her while she vomited, and slipped off before dawn without waking her or her parents.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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