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Politics

Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Gallup Forced To Destroy Defective Sample Group That Failed To Accurately Forecast Michigan Primary

WASHINGTON—Explaining that it had been left with no other choice after witnessing the election returns earlier this week, polling firm Gallup announced Thursday that it was forced to destroy a defective sample group that had failed to accurately forecast the Democratic primary in Michigan. “Unfortunately, it was clear by the time 60 percent of precincts had reported that something was seriously wrong with the participants in our telephone surveys, so we had to make the tough but necessary decision to put all of them down as quickly as possible,” said Gallup CEO Jim Clifton, adding that the 1,200 poll respondents were immediately gathered from across the state and eradicated “swiftly, but humanely” for having inaccurately projected Hillary Clinton would defeat Bernie Sanders by 21 percentage points. “We still don’t know exactly how these unexpected complications arose, but once we saw the group wasn’t properly reflecting the turnout of independents and voters under 29, we had to eliminate them before they caused any more damage. I just wish we had caught it before Tuesday, because all of this could have been avoided.” Clifton added that as a preventative measure, Gallup has already quarantined all sample groups in the state of Illinois and will not release them until the organization is sure its polling projections will fall within a 3-point margin of error.

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