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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Gallup Forced To Destroy Defective Sample Group That Failed To Accurately Forecast Michigan Primary

WASHINGTON—Explaining that it had been left with no other choice after witnessing the election returns earlier this week, polling firm Gallup announced Thursday that it was forced to destroy a defective sample group that had failed to accurately forecast the Democratic primary in Michigan. “Unfortunately, it was clear by the time 60 percent of precincts had reported that something was seriously wrong with the participants in our telephone surveys, so we had to make the tough but necessary decision to put all of them down as quickly as possible,” said Gallup CEO Jim Clifton, adding that the 1,200 poll respondents were immediately gathered from across the state and eradicated “swiftly, but humanely” for having inaccurately projected Hillary Clinton would defeat Bernie Sanders by 21 percentage points. “We still don’t know exactly how these unexpected complications arose, but once we saw the group wasn’t properly reflecting the turnout of independents and voters under 29, we had to eliminate them before they caused any more damage. I just wish we had caught it before Tuesday, because all of this could have been avoided.” Clifton added that as a preventative measure, Gallup has already quarantined all sample groups in the state of Illinois and will not release them until the organization is sure its polling projections will fall within a 3-point margin of error.

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