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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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'Game Of Thrones' Running Out Of Unkempt Old Men To Cast

LOS ANGELES—According to insider sources, the future of HBO's Game Of Thrones is currently in doubt, with the hit fantasy series facing a dire shortage of weather-beaten, bedraggled old men to cast. "A lot of the big crowd scenes in season two really depleted the available pool of greasy-haired bearded actors over 70, and for the sake of continuity we can't really reuse them," executive producer D.B. Weiss said Monday, stressing the importance of having a minimum of one new elderly and disheveled male character in every episode of the epic drama. "I honestly don't know what we're going to do. In the third season, we have at least a dozen war room meetings to film, and you can't shoot a war room meeting without having at least two or three poorly groomed old guys with big, tangly beards hanging around." The Game Of Thrones crisis is the latest in a series of casting woes to beleaguer HBO, which in March announced it had already used up its annual allocation of Steve Buscemi.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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