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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 3 Opens With Every Character Getting Fingered While Discussing Arrival Of Winter

LOS ANGELES—After an extended hiatus, HBO’s Game Of Thrones kicked off its third season last night with a scene featuring every one of the epic fantasy drama’s characters being rapidly fingered as they discussed the arrival of the winter season. “Winter is coming, and with it a dark scourge that shall leave no man untouched, no kingdom unconquered,” says one of the show’s protagonists, Jon Snow, as the characters Catelyn Stark and Mance Rayder rapidly insert their fingers into his rectum while the rest of the show’s extensive cast also expound on the return of winter while having their own anuses and vaginas vigorously fingered. “These are dark days that await us, brethren. May the gods show us mercy, if indeed mercy they have.” Though viewer reception to the season premiere has been positive, fans of the hit series were reportedly disappointed that the episode failed to resolve the previous season’s cliffhanger in which a nude Tyrion Lannister eagerly masturbated a dragon for half an hour.

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