adBlockCheck

Entertainment

Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
End Of Section
  • More News

‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 3 Opens With Every Character Getting Fingered While Discussing Arrival Of Winter

LOS ANGELES—After an extended hiatus, HBO’s Game Of Thrones kicked off its third season last night with a scene featuring every one of the epic fantasy drama’s characters being rapidly fingered as they discussed the arrival of the winter season. “Winter is coming, and with it a dark scourge that shall leave no man untouched, no kingdom unconquered,” says one of the show’s protagonists, Jon Snow, as the characters Catelyn Stark and Mance Rayder rapidly insert their fingers into his rectum while the rest of the show’s extensive cast also expound on the return of winter while having their own anuses and vaginas vigorously fingered. “These are dark days that await us, brethren. May the gods show us mercy, if indeed mercy they have.” Though viewer reception to the season premiere has been positive, fans of the hit series were reportedly disappointed that the episode failed to resolve the previous season’s cliffhanger in which a nude Tyrion Lannister eagerly masturbated a dragon for half an hour.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close